How to tell a close friend you're in love with them
77Before you say "I am in love with you . . . "
This
is a subject close to my heart; pun intended. I have had to distance
myself from several really special relationships over the years because
the other person wanted to add a romantic/sexual element. I still miss
some of these friendships terribly. There was no way the other person
could/would allow us to go back to being friends once they let their
true feelings be known; it changed everything. Permanently.
Don't get me wrong; I am a lover of love!! I have many friends and we tell each other we love each other all the time. Those words are followed by years of being there during the good, the bad and the ugly times. Friendship is a wonderful and necessary foundation for a solid romance. My former husband and I were best friends before, during and after our marriage!!
A long-term really close friendship does not usually turn into romance overnight, or by the uttering of "I love you." Love is less a feeling and more a process. Both parties generally begin to feel "something more" for the other and begin to flirt, make up reasons for calling, emailing, texting more often, insert encouraging comments into benign conversations, giving thoughtful gifts, etc. If none of these positive clues have been taking place, I would start there before any declarations.
Also, before telling a really close friend that I was in love with them I would take an honest inventory of myself and my motivations. Am I feeling lonely? Do I have needs that are not being met? Is their proximity in my life convenient? Is it that time in my life to couple? Am I frightened at the way the world is going? Is there a financial element?? Am I willing to risk loosing the person altogether if the feelings are not mutual??
I would also consider how my really close friend might feel. Might my close friend be mad/disappointed/surprised at this shift in boundaries?? Do I genuinely believe/think/feel that my close friend wants me to say the three words that will change our relationship forever? If so, I would go for it; if I had any doubt, I would test the waters first.
"Feelings" are the result of "thoughts." I would surely take an inventory of my own thoughts to see if I am in love with someone because of the amazing qualities they possess, because of the way I feel when I am with them, or are there some nagging needs of my own that are not being met and I have told myself the other person can fill them.
Okay, this question was posted a few days ago. As the eternal optimist and hopeless romantic (in spite of my words above), I would love to hear you uttered those magical words and the other person was elated!!
Blessings, Earth Angel
Don't get me wrong; I am a lover of love!! I have many friends and we tell each other we love each other all the time. Those words are followed by years of being there during the good, the bad and the ugly times. Friendship is a wonderful and necessary foundation for a solid romance. My former husband and I were best friends before, during and after our marriage!!
A long-term really close friendship does not usually turn into romance overnight, or by the uttering of "I love you." Love is less a feeling and more a process. Both parties generally begin to feel "something more" for the other and begin to flirt, make up reasons for calling, emailing, texting more often, insert encouraging comments into benign conversations, giving thoughtful gifts, etc. If none of these positive clues have been taking place, I would start there before any declarations.
Also, before telling a really close friend that I was in love with them I would take an honest inventory of myself and my motivations. Am I feeling lonely? Do I have needs that are not being met? Is their proximity in my life convenient? Is it that time in my life to couple? Am I frightened at the way the world is going? Is there a financial element?? Am I willing to risk loosing the person altogether if the feelings are not mutual??
I would also consider how my really close friend might feel. Might my close friend be mad/disappointed/surprised at this shift in boundaries?? Do I genuinely believe/think/feel that my close friend wants me to say the three words that will change our relationship forever? If so, I would go for it; if I had any doubt, I would test the waters first.
"Feelings" are the result of "thoughts." I would surely take an inventory of my own thoughts to see if I am in love with someone because of the amazing qualities they possess, because of the way I feel when I am with them, or are there some nagging needs of my own that are not being met and I have told myself the other person can fill them.
Okay, this question was posted a few days ago. As the eternal optimist and hopeless romantic (in spite of my words above), I would love to hear you uttered those magical words and the other person was elated!!
Blessings, Earth Angel
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Thanks for this insight. I had been in love with my best friend for nearly a decade. I never said anything because it all started when I was in college and I didn't really understand my feelings. I also didn't say anything because I am also a girl - it was the first time I had ever felt so strongly for someone and also the first time I ever realized that I could be attracted to someone of the same gender. I knew she would never reciprocate, and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I suspect she had an idea of how I felt because of how close we are, even though I tried not to show it. It took ten years for me to realize though that not saying anything and not confronting the issue was taking a toll on me and our friendship.
I thought I'd get over it and would always tell myself that there is no way she felt the same way. I also didnt want to say anything because I was much more emotionally attached to her than physically - the extent of my physical desires were just to manifest how I felt emotionally. But year after year, I increasingly wanted to express my feelings I had because they were so real. Recently though, she began seeing somoene, and although they were not exclusive, I realized that I was being delusional and that my uncommunicated feelings were becoming somewhat annoying to her too. It became clear that since she began seeing this other person, she didn't like how close I felt to her. Perhaps this is something she's always felt, but it recently became much more apparent to me. My sensitivity to her reactions to my affection made me also realize that my feelings for her had not subsided.
After thinking about it for several months, I finally worked up the courage to tell her that I needed to stop being in contact for a while. I didn't want her to feel like she was at fault in anyway, so I told her the truth about why I needed some space. She didnt seem too surprised, and said she understood but that she still wanted to be friends. She said that she needed some time and that she knew I would too but that she hoped we could continue our friendship.
It's been five months and I miss her very much. The thing is that I want to be friends, but I want to make sure that I am in the right frame of mind and that my stronger feelings go away so I don't jeopardize our friendship any further. I feel so guilty that I developed these feelings though I'm not entirely sure why, and I also feel as though I've let her down. At the same time, I feel like I needed to tell her for myself as well.
My difficulty is that I don't know how to still be friends and if we should? What level of feelings are appropriate for a close friendship like ours (not just in the romantic sense but in how much I care and think about her too). I want to be there for her but I dont want to make things weird or make her uncomfortable.
Another reason I decided to tell her is because I think subconsciously I used my feelings for her as an excuse not to put myself out there. I would always try and meet people, but I have yet to feel as strongly about anyone else as I do about her. My fear is that in resuming our friendship, I am inadvertently closing myself off emotionally to others.
What would you suggest someone in my position do? I don't want to lose a decade long friendship with someone who I genuinely love (in every sense of the word), but in keeping my friendship, I also want to be sure to give myself a fair chance of finding someone who can reciprocate my feelings. How do I do this? Thank you in advance for your insight!
Thanks for your quick response and Happy new Year to you too. I don't understand what you are suggesting. I am in this dilemma where I can't see anything clearly. 'Y' is still a good friend, but I don't have those feelings for her anymore. And 'X' is someone whose friendship is too important to risk. The thing is, I don't know whether 'X' considers me a just a good friend or she considers me something more. If it's the latter, I am willing to take the risk but can't do it unless I am sure of what she feels. I might be just a friend for her and may be she is the same towards all her male friends, I don't know. And this is why I am confused.
We have kept in touch by email and very occasional meetings and phone calls. We hardly ever see eachother yet Ive been getting really strong romantic thought about her and I dont knwo what to do. She is single at the moment and no kids. I have hinted I like her but not too much. Should I risk it? I woudl be devestated if she decided that we couldnt be friends.
I have been friends with a girl for past four years.Let's call her 'X'. The thing is, I had loved a classmate from school, let's call her 'Y'. 'X' helped me in few things about that, but when I proposed in 2010 dec, I got to know 'Y' was in love with someone else, so I just chose to remain friends with 'Y' and move on. I have been friends with 'X' since the start of my college but she left the school I was in in 2003. SO basically, I had never met her until in october 2010. We chatted or texted occasionally but since past one year,this has been regular. Either she texts me or pings me due to some reason or I do, then our conversation goes on for at least 45-60 minutes. After that incident with "Y", I didn't want to get into someone fast, so talked about other girls with her, who looks good and all and still do that, she doesn't mind that at all. sometimes we do talk on phone, buts that very rare, though the talks go on for an hour or so here as well. Last month,we went for a movie too, a hindi one. and again went on a kind of leaisure walk few days after. there, just to know, I suggested her that let's be boyfriend and girlfriend. It was said jokingly because I always flirt with her, so she was negative in reply. Clearly, that might have indicated to her that I like her. I didn't make another move after that, but our talks on sms and chats continue. She is my best friend and the thing is that I can't hide anything from her. She also tells me most of the things that happen in her life. We haven't talked too much about our personal details or likings, but just day to day activities. Now, I think that, if there is someone I would like to spend my life with her, that would be 'X' because she is my best friend. I can be 'me' with her and we can share our laughs just as we do. Nothing could be better. But the trouble is, first, I don't know what she feels. Second, I don't feel that strongly for her as I felt for 'Y' and I don't want her to be comparing my feelings(also I am not interested in anyone else,I just joke around with 'X' abt other girls but have never approached them and she knows that). Third, I am scared that even if we get together, and god-forbids things don't work out between us, I will lose an irreplaceable friend.
SO what should I do, just stay as we are and wonder how things could be in future, make the move, or try and wait till my feelings get stronger for her?
Things were going great for a while, we were texting back and forth and eventually webcamming every night, trying to catch up on lost time. She would tell me how she missed me so much it hurt and how she couldn't sleep without me there or she would cry to herself at night because I was gone. One day it just stopped. I hadn't heard from her in a while, so I checked on her facebook. She was dating a guy (and a total sleaze to boot) which I think to this day she did to make me jealous. She would always tell me about the details, not in a best friends way but in a spiteful way. It hurt like hell. Eventually they broke up because he was an abusive prick, but she would never let me comfort her and instead would avoid any questions that I asked about her feelings.
More recently, she came to visit me for a weekend for my birthday. That was in October. I don't think I'll see her in person again. We're not friends anymore, she's a completely different person. When she was here, I could tell she was really trying to be the same. She held hands with me in the park and we did everything we did that one fateful summer where we were almost together (cuddling, walking on the beach at night, etc). At night, she told me all the gritty details about her ex and how she was bi and had been experimenting. She said she wanted to be with a girl who actually cared about her, and had she said this her nose was touching mine. We were so close, but this new woman was not the one I fell in love with. I rolled over and went to sleep.
I miss her terribly. I haven't spoken to her since that night. But I know she's different now and I can't change that- I've missed my chance. She broke my heart. My soul mate is gone, and everything feels so empty.
You have NO idea how grateful I am for that reply. Everything you say makes perfect sense - and I concur completely.
At this point, my heart is still so sore from the loss of the friendship and bond, the loss of my soulmate. It seems a cruel twist of fate/ to allow two hearts to travel on such different roads - the pain of unrequited love is a pain I would not wish on my worst enemy.
That being said, I sadly could not do the things you mentioned herein - honoring him in another relationship at this point makes me ill to think about. I do hope one day I get over this, I truly do -bjt if I do not, I will always treasure the years we had together.
I wish there was a love potion nnumber9! My life has been so different without him in it, though I was starting to heal and move on until his recent contact - seems I am not the only one who can not let go.
One day I will love someone who can return every ounce of that which I give....
I let go of my best friend last year, because of my deep love for him which was sadly not openly reciprocated. It became unhealthy for me to keep him in my life, and as a result, I let him go - it was an agonzing choice; but, over the year, I healed quite a bit and moved forward (not moved on, notice - but forward).
Now, a year later, he contacts me saying he has not been the same since I left his life, and wants me back in his life. I explained that while I will love him until the day I leave this earth, nothing has changed - and that this would not be a feasible thing for me. My question is - have I made the right choice? I firmly believe we are soulmates, so does he - but our hearts are on 2 different wavelengths, and the pain of that realization is just too real.
Any advice from you would be so much appreciated. Thank you Earth Angel!
My feelings for her grew so much the last 2 months. We were in the same place both single and spent all of our time together. We almost kissed once and we talked about stuff like that a few times but sort of in a joking way. The real problem is that her twin brother has also been my best friend for the same amount of time. Well after I moved I told her that I really wanted to try to make it more than a friendship when I return. She told me that it was a bad idea since we have known each other for so long and her brother would so not approve.
Anyway it's been eating at me and I feel like it's going to ruin or friendship (my feelings). She will probably find another boyfriend between now and when I return and I will have trouble being her friend now. I really feel like i could marry this girl. We know we love each other and we know each other better than anyone.
Should i pursue this more or should i try to forget her and hope I find someone else between now and then. I feel like this is the most important women I have ever met in my life and if I give up than I'm throwing away what would make us both happiest in the long run.
I have always had feelings for a close friend. We have previously kissed (whilst we were still at school).. and nothing has gone any further. We spend lots of time together and enjoy each others company. We laugh together all the time. I've recently been wondering if he could be 'the one'... like has been mentioned previously, i don't want to ruin what we have!
He has also cheated on his previous partners a lot.. which we have talked about. He says he doesnt 'want' to cheat, but he's not found someone he really likes yet, and it has always seemed the easiest way (bearing in mind that his previous girlfriends have also cheated on him). He says he wants to find someone that helps him to change. We have all the same social circles and mutual close friends... and i'm genuinly not convinced he would cheat on me, as he has been there through many personal things with myself that i know he wouldnt risk it.
I just need some advice on whether or not i should tell him, or leave it as we are and just accept that i will always have feelings for him.
Also, if i did decide to tell him, what would be the best way to do it?
I hope you can help!
Anna
I have been, what I would call, in love with my best friend for the last 4 years and I honestly cannot see these feelings ever subsiding. I have tried to put them behind me and have been in a few other realtionships but have had to break them off because I felt they were becoming too serious and I couldn't carry on knowing that I didn't love them. I have also tried to distance myself from my best friend but I always end up feeling worse without her than I do having to listen to her talk about men she likes. She has told me on many occasions that she is straight but she seems to flirt with me often and a few months ago we were alone in a room and she told me, rather seriously, that she only wanted to make me happy. I don't know if I'm misreading these signs but I'd like to hope I'm not. Is there any way I could test the waters? Maybe something I could say or do that I could still cover up as friendly if she seemed horrified?
Your are correct, i feel i may have gone down the wrong road. never thought of this.
i will advise the out come
Blessings Earth Angel
i have told her, but i have taken a discreat approach, I am now leaving my job so i had to tell her soon. i told her that i was in love with some one at work but needed advice on what the person might react, she said if the person was a tru friend, you would never loose the friend, i then told her what i wanted, i did not get a response. so it may have backfired, damn, but i will know more on monday. i will keep you posted.
thanks and blessings for your help
You are correct my friendship is so rare and I am thankful everyday for being blessed with this amazing relationship.
My accident was almost a year ago and I am mostly healed, I still have therapy to try an get back into shape but so far all is well. The experience has broadened my horizons and opened my eyes to the more important things in life. I say all the time I started that day 18 years old and ended it with a 80 year old soul. I take nothing for granted now and cherish every moment of life which is why I caution myself with this love. My friendship is so important that I would rather keep to myself about my feelings if there was a chance of loosing him in my life.
He is in for 4 years as of now but is strongly considering making this a career. I grew up with both of my parents in the army so I understand the distance but it still is hard on relationships.
His ex was with him for the end of his senior year up until he left and then they got back together again at the beginning of last year. Their relationship was, in my eyes, unhealthy. She cheated on him and although many people told him about it he never wanted to believe it and blamed himself for ruining the relationship because of the distance between them. I was always there for him when they were going through rough patches and told him that as long as he was happy he should do whats in his heart and not what others want him to do. It broke my heart that someone would do something like that to such an amazing guy. He didn't deserve that at all.
It's amazing that you suggested that. I do write, to him, and to myself, and just in general. It is an amazing way to get all of my thoughts and feelings out without having to tell someone else or him. I started a notebook when he left for basic training and have on and off written in it to get my thoughts out. I believe in time I will come to an understanding of what all my feelings mean. Also I think I might go back and read all of the letters that I have written. I think once things settle down in both of our lives we might be able to have a conversation about our feeling for each other and where they might take us in the future. I just need to figure out how to have that conversation openly and honestly.
I thank you for your time, thoughts, and prayers always...
I am 19 years old and I just finished my first year of college. I have been best friends with this guy since my junior year in high school. He was a senior at the time and we became very close, we talked every day in school, walked to class together, ate lunch together, volunteered for student council meetings, pretty much everything we could do together we did. After school we both played sports so we tried to make it to each others events and supported each other all the way. We would text each other at night until we went to sleep... it was always nice having someone to say goodnight to. It was a great year together and we would tell each other all the time how much we meant to each other and how we would stay just as close after he graduated. He joined the Navy and left for basic training about a month into my Senior year. That was so hard for me, I knew I would miss him but I didn't know how much. I wrote to him and he wrote to me but things had changed. Neither of us said how much we cared or missed each other, it was to hard. He came home that year for Christmas and that week we spent almost everyday together. It was almost like he never left, we went back to laughing and joking around like we always did. The only difference was that when we hugged it was a longer hug, and when we looked into each others eyes it was like we couldn't look away. By the middle of the week I knew that I had feelings for him but I didn't want to say anything since he was leaving again in a few days. The day he left was tough we spent 3 hours together and barely talked. I knew what I wanted to say but didn't know how to say it. We hugged before he left and I didn't want to let him go. My drive home I actually shed a tear because I knew how much I would miss him. Two weeks after that he finally got his phone back and got a computer with the internet so we went back to talking and calling each other, even the occasional skype call.
He's been gone for almost two years now but we have managed to stay best friends just like we said we would. When he does get home we make sure to spend as much time as possible together but that's only a few days every 6 or so months. Even though he is so far away and we never get to see each other my feelings for him have grown so much. Both of our friends always told us we were going to end up together and we always denied it and said we were only friends, especially since he had a girlfriend until a few months ago. Even the guys he's in the Navy with that I have never met have told me that they think we should be together. They say that they wish they could have as great a friendship as we do and that it's obvious how much we love each other.
We have kissed before and we lay around and watch movies and stuff together when hes home. Its always nice to have someone there to be close to, and we both fit together so perfectly that I can't help but enjoy it. The thought has crossed my mind that maybe I'm just lonely but after my car accident last year I found that we both care a lot about each other in a serious way. I almost died and if I wouldn't of talked him out of it he would of been on the first plane home to be with me, even though he wasn't allowed to leave his military post. After that our conversations changed he was so supportive of my recovery and encouraged me every step of the way. We talked about me coming to visit him and what we would do when he came home next. He'd tell me how much he missed me and couldn't wait to see me. Every conversation made me fall more and more for him and it seemed like he was feeling the same way but he would never say anything about how he felt for me or if he had any feelings for me.
I know that being so far away really makes it hard. I just don't know what to do. Should I tell him how I feel or should I just keep it to myself. He is such an important friend to me and I don't want to loose that friendship but I'm not sure I can risk not telling him and end up wondering what if later in life. What should I do?
He knows something is up with me, and I don't know whether or not to tell him. I fear this may change or friendship to something drastically lesser and I will be reduced to nothing but a hollow shell of agony from the loss of my best friend...
Should I tell him what I have said here? Basically, 'I have some confused thoughts that I've been trying to sort out...' or something like that, like, not setting it all in stone? I feel it gnawing away at me, because the person I want to tell about this confusion is the one it is about!
He knows something is up with me, and I don't know whether or not to tell him. I fear this may change or friendship to something drastically lesser and I will be reduced to nothing but a hollow shell of agony from the loss of my best friend...
Should I tell him what I have said here? Basically, 'I have some confused thoughts that I've been trying to sort out...' or something like that, like, not setting it all in stone? I feel it gnawing away at me, because the person I want to tell about this confusion is the one it is about!
You have my gratitude,
Junpei
I really hope you will reply to me, since I think I'm going crazy. Here is the situation:
I have a friend. Let's call her Kei (I'm not Japanese though ^_^). Anyway, I have been her friend for more than almost a year. I had a crush on her the first time we met, but that was it and we became good friends. It was around several months ago that my feelings for her surfaced. I can't recall the exact moment, but I found myself wanting to see her, looking forward to work because I want to be with her, etc. Now, I want to know what she feels about me. I want to tell her how I feel next week. But my some of my friends tell me to wait a little longer. They told me to shower her with more care and admiration as a friend, without revealing or being obvious that I like her. On the other hand, I felt that this is the perfect time to tell her, between summer and the first semester of class, since I do not want to distract her when work begins in the first semester of classes. I feel that the time between summer and the first semester would give her the space to think clearly. What do you think?
I am also concerned as to how this would affect our friendship. I want to preserve it no matter what happens. I plan to confess to her, then to explain to her that no matter her answer I would always be a friend. If yes, then its all good. If no, then I will get over it, accept it, and remain a friend by all means possible. I am confident I can do it should that happen. Still, I am afraid. What if she says no and she is not able to avoid feeling awkward around me afterwards? I would so much appreciate some up-front, honest advice, Earth Angel. Thank you!
Junpei
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond! It means so much, especially since I have never dealt with a situation like this before. I now better understand the way I should be there for him. Things should simply stay the same.
And since I sense that he may infact be struggling to understand his desires and sexuality like many teens, hearing that a girl has feelings for him may make things much harder for him to deal with... more confusing.
Your reply has led me to notice something I find interesting. During the same time I started reading signs that made me question/realize what I feel for him, was the same time he started contacting me less. But not avoiding me. Which gives me a stronger feeling that he might have already suspected.
I love him in a way that I'll always be there for him, so I'll give him plenty of space. I think what I feel is a very strong friendship, and questions I've asked myself about it are what led to feeling like it should be or would be something more under certain circumstances. I think taking more time to question myself will prove this.
I'll let you know how things go...
Cassie
A few months ago, I realized I may have feelings for my closest male friend. I figured I would give it some time to be sure, about four months, but what I feel for him has some how become stronger and I believe I love him. I have never felt this way about anyone before, it didn't even start out as a crush. I barely understand it, so I fear what he would think of it himself. I definitely do not want to risk losing our friendship, but at the same time I'll never know if I don't tell him.
It's not that I expect him to feel the same. I just want him to feel loved/appreciated. He is bullied and called gay, I don't know if he is, but either way I want to let him know he's perfect and help him not see the world as mean, and know there is somebody there who really cares about him. He's not like other guys and doesn't show much interest in girls, but I can see he just wants someone to love him.
It's killing me that I haven't told him, and when I do, I won't just say the three words we've exchanged before as friends. I'll tell him exactly how I feel. I think that's the only way to get him to understand.
He might have already saw it himself. He's very good at reading people, it's quite a talent. Some of the signs being how I never hang up first, unless I can call him right back, I call way too much, and maybe by the way I look at him.
But if i'm going to tell him, I should do it soon since he moves around alot, and I may loose my chance and always regret it. So I see no point in waiting. I'm just afraid he will start avoiding/ignoring me afterwards if it scares him because he does not feel the same. I would love to hear your advice.
We spoke a while back, over a month ago now. My situation has changed in terms of being in love with my best friend! After spending 4 days with her, my feelings have changed completly! I can't see her more than a friend, maybe its because I have accepted the inevitable?! Or spending 4 days with her has opened my eyes to just move on?!
It has confused me alot?! I think I have resorted to giving up because I can spend my whole life waiting for something that is not going to happen.
Charlie
My situation is somewhat similar to "pleasehelp" and after reading her story and your reply I felt the need to write one of my own. I think I have known I've been gay for a few years now but have only come to accept the truth about 2 months ago after I fell for a friend of a friend...I had only hung out with her a few times previous to this one night but honestly have never felt this way about ANYONE before. I can't explain it as she is completely opposite of me in some respects but almost the same person in other ways. She puts on a b@tchy front initially but the more i've gotten to know her, the more I've learned she's really just a huge dork with self-confidence and trust issues from her previous relationship as well as her parents. She's still in love with her ex gf, who has now has a gf and hasn't spoken to her in almost 3 months, and talks about her on a regular basis with me. I've been playing the "good friend" card right now and offering her advice, as well as seeing if she's ready to move on or not.
I like this girl a LOT and just want to tell her...but everytime we have a night alone and I plan on it, her ex always gets brought up and I feel like I've been punched in the gut and no longer feel the need to say anything. It's the hardest thing in the world not telling her but if she's still in "love" with her ex and doesn't know what will get her past this, I don't know if and/or why I should tell her how I feel. We have become really good friends and I love spending time with her and feel this might be ruined if I told her how I feel about her and she doesn't feel the same...A lot of our mutual friends know that I like her and say that I would be sooo good for her, in helping her straighten out a bit after she went through a bit of a wild phase as well.
Any advice on when to tell her? Should I wait until she gets over her ex or should I just tell her how I feel in hopes that THAT will get her past this other girl? Finding the right time to tell her has been one of the hardest things I've ever tried to figure out. Any advice would be more than welcomed!!
Its me again. thanks so much for the reply. It really made me think things through, and in a slightly calmer way. Although thinking it through still didn't help me a lot in terms of deciding what I should do, it sure gave me more clues. When you asked me whether I've ever asked things like "what if we were a couple", i dont think I have. On the other hand, she was the one who insinuated similar things, more than once before. In more than once of our conversations in the past she 'joked' about us being lesbian couples.. but i don't really know whether it was actually a joke, or if that was a 'sign'.
Also, lately since its been hard to get my mind off her, I've tried to be less touchy with her, otherwise I would actually go insane!! But for some reason, she on the other hand has been acting 'closer' to me. Like we were sitting on a school bus ride sharing earphones and suddenly she just hugged me from the side and said like "your so awesome" or sth like that. It felt really nice and warm, and at the moment I just wished I could have her all to myself..
But it seems like the more I want to avoid her in a physical sense the more she wants to become closer. Its not that I want to pull away from her, I still really want to be around her, its just that thinking about her already takes up almost all of my time, how can I even function with my regular work and school with all of this in my head?
Sometimes I wish somebody can just tell me what I can do, so that I actually have the courage to do it. Im usually a confident person, outspoken and all. But around her, or when its about her, I am so indecisive and I worry about everything, Im scared to mess our relationship up.
But all in all i really appreciate your thoughts and advice and I am really grateful. I just hope I can sort this out, then my life would be much less drama..
I called him this morning and tell him I'm sorry I was trying not to care too much and be affectionate so much and confirmed that something was really different these past few days.
I told him I can't do it. I cannot not tell him that I love him... I failed pretending that I don't care too much.
He said he miss 'me'... just yesterday, he pretty much bombarded me with sweet messages and late night calls telling me he love me but I don't respond with 'I love you too.' or my usual messages to him.
You were so 'spot on' with the mature/immature things to do. And I really thank you for that.
EarthAngel, right now I don't know if my intentions are pure or not. There is a part of me that is holding that possibility. Though, sometimes I tell myself, it's okay if it's not with me as long as he is happy.
One thing I know for sure with myself is that... I'm not the kind of person who would push myself to be loved by the one I love... if I get successful and we ended up together... and he's not that attracted to me... maybe he was so used to be around me... I don't think I'd be happy either.
I want someone to need me because he love me not the other way around... love me because he need me.
In my country, there is no divorce. So pretty much it is very important that you end up with the person you love and who loves you the same way.
EarthAngel... I don't know how long I can stand feeling this way towards him... and I thank you very much for the "I want you to be happy . . . I want me to be happy . . . I want to still be close friends "
Thank You and may God Bless you especially your health because you really are helping and helped a lot of people here.
Growing up for 16 years, I was never extremely close with my family, instead i've always been more attached to my friends than to my family. But it was only 1 or so years ago that I found out I might have fallen for my best friend, whom was also a girl.
I dont think about her in any sexual way, but I just feel this strong emotional connection that I've never experienced with anyone before, not even with the previous guys i've dated. I have tried to persuade myself that we were just extremely good friends this special bond, but sometimes I catch myself acting like a shy boy having a crush on a girl..
I want to talk to her all the time. But every time when I pick up the phone and wanted to dial her number, I have a major dilemma, debating with myself about whether I should call or not, because I was afraid that if I called her and bothered her so much she'd think I was annoying. Therefore I every time I would have to think for a very long time before making up an excuse to call her. And I have to stage and plan my speeches, because Im so afraid of screwing anything up.
I am not really a tomboy but I tend to act less girlish than many of my other friends, and sometimes like a 'homie'. So I tend to get a little touchy and always put my arms around her or on her shoulders. Once we were in a hotel on a school trip and her and I had to share a single bed. I remember we cuddled on the bed and it felt so warm inside. Still, nothing much sexual, but I just felt a sense of joy and happiness.
Every weekend, I miss her. Its just two bloody days!! Sometimes I get so mad at myself for that, but I cant help it. Summer and Christmas holidays have been completely torture. I didn't get to see her for 1 month. Almost crumbled apart..
Also I feel like im so possessive of her. When she's around her other friends I get so jealous but I just dont tell her. And a few other times it accidentally slipped my mouth and i said something like "wheres my...?" (referring to her as mine). But its true, I want her for myself. The problem is that time she got all defensive and said "im not yours.."
Im so lost.. firstly i dont even know if all this means Im falling for her, and secondly if I am.. what should I do? tell her? Im pretty sure she's not into girls, but whats odd is that she is absolutely hot and stunning, and everybody says so. Yet she hasn't had a boyfriend for all her life. And plus she seems to be playing along with my 'touchy touchy game' pretty well..So I am completely clueless and dont know what to do.
Another odd thing is that, more than one friend around us seems to have noticed something between my best friend and I, and have commented on our 'peculiar relationship'. So is it really THAT obvious? omg please help me its eating me away and im all in tears.. I really want to maintain good terms with her and I would die if I lost her. She is the most important thing in my life, above my parents even. Without her I wouldn't be able to function..
I really need help right now, and would very much appreciate some advice. I don't know what to do but I know I have to do something.. be it coming clean or pulling away.. please help
Thank you so much
I think I'm inlove with my childhood friend. We were each other's first crush and first love.. that I know now since he told me. We've known each other since kindergarten but they moved.
After more than 10 years, we got reunited and our friendship deepens. When I met him, I found out from him that he's in a long-distance relationship.
We became pretty close whenever he calls me when his girlfriend has her phone off, or not answering her phone, not replying to his text messages, and so on and so forth. I think his efforts to make their relationship work is what makes me love him more. I remember the time he called me crying when his girlfriend go abroad for a job without even telling him her departure date. She told him when she was already at the airport ready to leave!
It sucks to know when the person you deeply love was almost always hurt by the person he deeply love. I want him to be happy, even if it's not with me. There are days I can't take my mind off this visualization of kissing him. I don't know if this is normal or this is lust... I don't know.
For us, saying 'I love you', became pretty normal. I do. I love him. And he told me he did too. And it became normal. Even the communication is always there. For him it was a reminder that somebody out there care's for me. But these past few days... I stopped the 'I love you' and sweet stuff. I became afraid that it might turn into something I can't control... like what if I can't give him up now. What if unconsciously, I'm closing my doors because I was thinking of the possibility with him... which I should not! He asked me to pray for their relationship which I did. I did! It was pretty hard to pray for the person you love success in his relationship with some other person... but as they say Love is not selfish. Love is kind. Whatever makes him happy...
He knew something was different. I don't want to lose him as a friend. I'm confused if I should stop caring so much and telling him how I love him... or just continue what we had.
I'm really in a confused state right now.
Thank you Dear Angel.
I realized I loved him one night while he was sharing his feelings about this other girl.
I just remember thinking how lucky I am to have him in my life.
We have kissed but recently I asked him if I were to kiss him
What would he do. He responded with 'I'd pull away' that hurt a lot. I know this may sound dumb coming from a 17 year old girl but I love him so much and I want him all to myself ! But I know the chances of that aren't very good. I think. He does tell me he loves me though. But I think he just means as a friend. Another thing that doesn't help is, he is extremely attractive and has girls after him like crazy. I'm the averagely attractive girl, nothing spectacular about me and my logic is, he could get models and whoever he wanted why would he settle for someone like me ? Please help me solve this I have no clue what to do anymore
Its nearly 3 in the morning in my place and I've read through this entire hub page in one go. I think the world should be thankful for having such an angel like you who devote time to help out poor souls like us. I was really hoping you can give me some advice on this.
I'm a girl, 16 years old. Growing up, I was never extremely close with my family, instead i've always been more attached to my friends than to my family. But it was only 1 or so years ago that I found out I might have fallen for my best friend, whom was also a girl.
I dont think about her in any sexual way, but I just feel this strong emotional connection that I've never experienced with anyone before, not even with the previous guys i've dated. I have tried to persuade myself that we were just extremely good friends this special bond, but sometimes I catch myself acting like a shy boy having a crush on a girl..
I want to talk to her all the time. But every time when I pick up the phone and wanted to dial her number, I have a major dilemma, debating with myself about whether I should call or not, because I was afraid that if I called her and bothered her so much she'd think I was annoying. Therefore I every time I would have to think for a very long time before making up an excuse to call her. And I have to stage and plan my speeches, because Im so afraid of screwing anything up.
I am not really a tomboy but I tend to act less girlish than many of my other friends, and sometimes like a 'homie'. So I tend to get a little touchy and always put my arms around her or on her shoulders. Once we were in a hotel on a school trip and her and I had to share a single bed. I remember we cuddled on the bed and it felt so warm inside. Still, nothing much sexual, but I just felt a sense of joy and happiness.
Every weekend, I miss her. Its just two bloody days!! Sometimes I get so mad at myself for that, but I cant help it. Summer and Christmas holidays have been completely torture. I didn't get to see her for 1 month. Almost crumbled apart..
Also I feel like im so possessive of her. When she's around her other friends I get so jealous but I just dont tell her. And a few other times it accidentally slipped my mouth and i said something like "wheres my...?" (referring to her as mine). But its true, I want her for myself. The problem is that time she got all defensive and said "im not yours.."
Im so lost.. firstly i dont even know if all this means Im falling for her, and secondly if I am.. what should I do? tell her? Im pretty sure she's not into girls, but whats odd is that she is absolutely hot and stunning, and everybody says so. Yet she hasn't had a boyfriend for all her life. And plus she seems to be playing along with my 'touchy touchy game' pretty well..So I am completely clueless and dont know what to do.
Another odd thing is that, more than one friend around us seems to have noticed something between my best friend and I, and have commented on our 'peculiar relationship'. So is it really THAT obvious? omg please help me its eating me away and im all in tears.. I really want to maintain good terms with her and I would die if I lost her. She is the most important thing in my life, above my parents even. Without her I wouldn't be able to function..
Im so sorry if i'm rambling on and on and on, but I really need help right now, and would very much appreciate some advice. Thank you so much for your time and effort helping all of us out here who don't know what to do.
I am encouraged to see all of your advice and hope that you can help me!
I am a 20 year old male in college and I am head over heels crazy about my best friend. I've been in many relationships, even thought that I was in love before, and no girl has made me feel like this girl does.
We met at the beginning of this school year and became study partners, along with doing just about everything else together (non-romantically). One day she told me that I was her best friend and that she loves me (non-romantically again) and I returned her sentiments.
The problem is while yes, she is definitely my best friend in this world, I have had feelings for her since the day that I met her. I never told her because she has had a boyfriend for the entire year. She tells me everything and I tell her everything that I can without revealing how I feel. Now they are kind of on-again off-again and I don't know if this is the right time to tell her how I feel.
Without saying the words I have tried to express the way that I feel about her: Taking her out, gifts and flowers for no reason, taking her to dinner on Valentine's day when her sad excuse for a boyfriend did not even ask her, fielding her crying phone calls at all hours of the night...you get the idea.
Sometimes I think that she might feel the same way about me...based on how she acts...while other times I think that she just wants to be friends. I am very confused. I feel like I will explode if I do not tell her the way I feel about her, but I never want to lose her as a friend.
Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you!
Do you have any advice? I would love for us to become something more, but then again I am really happy with having him as a friend, so I dont want to risk anything...
-Anabelle
I've been in love with my best friend for nearly 2 years now. We were at the same sixth form but never really talked until i had a party. TThat night everyone got drunk and she started talking to me and we just hit it off. I just felt drawn to her. Since then we've been bascally attached at the hip.
It's driven me mad for so long. It doesn't help that she's increadibly touchy feely, holds hands with me, cuddles me in bed and sometimes half kisses me when we're drunk in clubs and no ones watching. Everyone else makes couple jokes about us and even our parents have asked several times.
i've always known i was bi (none of my school friends do), but i rea;;y don't think she is. We joke about it, but i feel like even if she was she wouldn't say anything.
It got more and mroe out of control and when we're out and i see her kissing random guys in clubs (sometimes while holding my hand or after kissing me somewhere quiter) i end up getting really drunk or getting with someone myself totry and make myself feel better. I did that for a week when we went on holiday with a huge group of people before uni. I'm not proud of it but it seems like a sort of escape.
we're both at uni in the same city now and it's just gotten worse. we see eachother all the time still which is probably not helping me get over it but i can't help myself. about a month ago my building had a flat party and she got drunk and slept with a guy which shocked me because she'd only had sex once before and that was about 4 years before. i'd left the party early because i saw the guy trying to flirt with her and i didn't want to be aorund it. She called after me but i didn't listen.
she came into my room the next day and told me. She then told me it was my fault it had happened, but wouldn't expand on that. she said she was sorry and that she'd make it up to me. I beleived her but then she was upset about a family issue a few weeks ago and the same thing happened. She literally ditched me at a party for someone and slept with him in his room while i looked after her passed out friend who i'd never met before in a house full of strangers. She came back to where about 2 hours later and i tried tp ignroe her.
She kept calling me over and looked so upset i finally agreed to go sit with her in the bathroom where she locked us in, burst into tears and started cuddling me and saying how sorry she was. i forgave her like i always do.
i don't know what to do, it's literally killing me inside every time we have these same old arguments about how we hate anyone that the other gets with. should i tell her to at least get closure?
I don't know how she'll react. I don't want to lose our friendship and i can't not have her in my life, she's literally my everything. Which is why i can't stand seeing her get with people that mean nothing to her and that don't care about her either. She deserves someone that does care.
But then again it may be unfair on me to stay in this toxic circle. And it's been unfair on her that she doesn't know the truth.
i know i have to do something. i'm sick of all of it. of coming home crying constantly. i'm sick of hurting, of feeling empty and like i'm literally suffocating.
she seems to hurt me constantly. But still i love her. i'd die for her. She's both the best and the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
any advice at all would be really appreciated.
I owe you a great debt of gratitude for putting me on a path to finding the way to bring me back to myself.
Over the last couple of days I have taken on board what you suggested about the pain body and made a start on reading the work of Eckhart Tolle. Much of what he writes resonates strongly with me. As an aside, it turns out I was reading Mathematics at King's College, London at the same time Eckhart was there. Though he was some years older than me, I can't recall ever meeting him.
I have now come to understand how my ego and pain body have been making me feel these last few weeks. That awareness in itself brings a calmer acceptance of how things are now rather than stressing over how I would like them to be. I am shedding the neediness and self-doubt; I am becoming my rational self again. I may not be all the way there yet but I feel I am making progress.
That is not to say that I have let go of the hope that me and my love can find a way to get together for I have not. I just feel much less attached to that imagined ideal I am striving for at some unknown future time. Also, I can foresee that if we do get together, after the initial bliss, a whole new set of expectations will be created and possibly (probably?) more stress. It doesn't bear thinking about. Much better to savour the time we spend together by being present in the moment, me accepting her for who she is and without imposing my hopes for our future on the situation. Whatever happens will happen; it will happen naturally with mutual respect and love. But it will now happen with the concious knowledge and understanding that the weight of thoughts of past experiences and the pressure of future expectations and the intense feelings that result may cause pain for us both. I understand now how that process works but also that there are ways of overcoming it. Hopefully, this will provide a key to us both finding a fulfilling life either together or leading our separate lives. Whatever the outcome, my love will always be with her.
I am so glad she has not actually witnessed the deep emotional response that the situation has caused in me. She knows I am upbeat and happy when I am with her but not that I have been down and emotional when not. I have not seen her since last weekend, but we will be seeing each other tomorrow. I am wondering what my reaction to that will be in the following days; it will be a real test to see how far I have actually come.
Peace and love.
I'm lost on what to do since we last messaged. I have had a situation with my friend Elli which has made me question things in relationships which I can't get my head around!
I have been in love twice, with Elli and another friend but both have simular traits. They're both emotionally closed off, like when I try to reach out to them when they go through bad periods and just close off. Both have had lesbian relationships and both have tendencies to have mean streaks to make me feel bad about myself.
I don't know if I look into things to much and being silly or theres some sort of pattern going on?!
I am not sure how much of this I really want to share but I really need to get to the end of this process and sort my head out.
The last time I felt like this was when I was at university. I was a very awkward, 20 year old shy guy and very inexperienced with dating and women in general. I obsessed about a girl for several months, spending a lot of time with her but never even attempting to progress from friendship even though it was what I desperately wanted. As was to be expected, she grew impatient, found someone else and I never saw her again. I eventually I married and was happy for 20 years followed by a painful divorce but never I felt the intensity that I had with the girl from university. As I mentioned in a previous post losing out to someone else happened again a few years ago with the current object of my desire. I now have second opportunity with this one and don't want to let it go without giving things a chance to develop this time.
The pain body theory is a very intresting one and at first sight may be one worthy of exploration.
My first thoughts are to do with my relationship with my parents. They are both now in their 80s and still fit and healthy. They live close by and I visit them once or twice a week but I have never really felt part of a close knit family. I have never felt really loved particularly by my mother who was always the dominant personality. I suspect the underlying reason for this is that I am the eldest, only male, and was conceived outside marriage. For the sake of decency (this was the 1950s) my parents had a shotgun wedding. Subsequently, they had 3 daughters and they all appear to have a good relationship and always have had. As a child I was always encouraged to occupy and entertain myself while the girls were given most of the attention. Even now I always seem to be almost an external observer. I can not ever remember my parents overtly showing any kind of affection towards each other either verbally or physically. I always wondered why they have stayed together so long. Also, I thought this could be the root cause of me being painfully introverted for much of my early life.
Over the years, I have had a number of conversations with my friend over about her childhood and met her parents on a couple of occasions. Her mother was and is still very much the dominant personality and not at all maternal. For the mother, having children was apparently something that was done because it was what married couples did. I have heard of several things that happened during my friends childhood that border on neglect and she has clearly still not forgotten or forgiven these. She still has issues with her mother and this also plays a key part in the family issues I referred to earlier.
I guess this is the kind of thing you are talking about. There is clearly at least a superficial level of commonality in there so maybe there is some truth in what you say.
thank you for the time you have taken to respond and the sage advice you have offered.
I am usually a very self-confident, grounded, rational person that usually keeps his feelings internalised and well hidden but this has taken over my life. I am racked with self-doubt. This is not something that has happened to me in 30 years and I have not dealt with it at all well but just writing about it has been a cathartic exercise.
I am absolutely clear that I want to be with and care for this woman unconditionally today, tomorrow and into whatever the future holds for both of us. What is not clear to me yet is what she wants at this point in time. If entering into a relationship is not her choice then, as a friend, I will always be there for her whenever she needs me. I also realise that once feelings are in the open there is no going back and everything will change between us and that continuing the freindship we have now may not be possible.
If we ever get it together, I suspect the timing of the announcment my feelings is key. As I wrote earlier she has recently come out of a long-term relationship, she has other emotional things going on with her family not to mention a stressful job and maybe a combination of these things is resulting in the mixed messsages. I do not want to add to the emotional stress she is currently experiencing which I may well do if I suddenly expose the extent of my feelings with a consequent negative fallout.
At no time have I had any expectation that things will work out between us but I do harbor hopes that we may be on the cusp of something very special. I have been around a long time, been married, raised kids and been divorced. I know what commitment means, the stresses relationships exert and that it takes two who want to make this work. I am all too aware that there is no hope if all the feelings are on one side.
Letting things unfold slowly and naturally, being easy on the intensity and allowing her space is the path that I have been trying to follow. As you suggest I will probably continue this way but guide it to a decision point where we can mutually agree to either remain friends or go all out for a relationship. Over the years it has been hard not being too open about how I really feel about her and especially so over the last few weeks. I guess waiting a little while longer will not be easy but the potential reward is immense.
Peace and love.
I have read this blog with much interest and but with a great deal of angst in my heart.
I am a single guy in his mid-fifties with quite a few female friends who I get on with very well as purely friends. I think they all sense that I am not a threat to them excepting one that I have been in desperately love with for about 6 years now. How I feel about her has never been purely about physical attraction, although she is very cute, it is all about who she is, how she thinks, how she treats people, her infectious sense of fun, we share common values and enjoy the same things, we often know what each other is thinking without saying a word. The list goes on. Even so, we are very different people but we complement each other; her strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa. I have dated several other women during this time but my thoughts always, always turn back to her. However, she is a very good freind and although I would like her to be so much more I do not want to lose our unique friendship.
She was single when I first fell for her but I had just about come to terms with the breakup of a relationship and I wasn't quite ready to jump in with both feet. Anyhow, by the time I got round developing a stronger bond between us she had started seeing a guy many years younger than herself. This relationship has been on and off ever since but finally broke up just before Christmas with a lot of emotional fallout. It never seemed to me that their relationship was ever going to last as it was always kinda secretive and they were hardly ever seen anywhere together socially. I have never expressed any judgement on it to her but I know many of her close friends told her they disapproved of this guy, not that he was a bad guy in any way but that the whole thing was never going anywhere.
Over the years I have spent numerous times away on vacation with her and other friends and I have always tried to respect the fact she was taken and kept my distance emotionally. Her BF never came. During our skiing trip in February though, things were starting to change between us. She hardly left my side all week and had become a lot more tactile than ever before and allowed me to do little favors for her which she would never have done in the past; she is also very independent. Aside from the breakup she had other things going on in her life that were causing her stress and I sensed that she may have unresolved emotions and that it was too early to make any move. The last thing I want is to freak her out and make the dynamic between us awkward. I determined that I would let things happen naturally and slowly progess over a period of time rather than blurting out how I felt.
Since then, I have really got it bad for her, worse than ever. I have no doubt that she senses that I would like to take it to the next level but I do not think she knows the true depth of my feelings. I have spent the last two weeks being totally consumed by my internal dialogue asking "When are you going to tell her?", "Will she feel the same way?", "What are the implications for our social circle?" and not least "How would I deal with her rejection?"
Last weekend we were away together with friends again. Her closest female freinds have become much more freindly with me; I am accepted and included in ways I never have been in the past. Although nothing has been said by me they sense and know. On Saturday she was very talkative and tactile and I was feeling very positive about the prospect that we were finally getting close to making that breakthrough but on Sunday she was cold and unreceptive. Last night we exchanged a number of emails but it was all superficial stuff.
I am now on an emotional rollercoaster and finding it difficult to keep any kind of perspective on any of this. I am now looking for any detail of what she says or how she behaves that shows me beyond doubt she feels something for me but everything she does or says seems to be contradictory. I don't want to come across to her as being too intense neither do I want to appear to disinterested. One day I am on top of the world, the next in the depths of despair. Where is the balance in all this?
I would do anything for this woman, including accepting that I need to let go if she doesn't feel the same way but I also want to give us the best possible chance of working things out. It feels like us getting together is within touching distance but still so far away.
I don't mean to be negative, I always like to see the positive of everything but my love life is a joke! Been dumped for God by a text message and turned a straight women gay!
I'm unsure of when I will see her next. The last couple weeks have been really hard for me. Knowing I'm actually in love with her and getting confused by her actions. This has made me nervous and scared. So I have been avoiding her for the following reasons. I know answering the question " does she like me?" is hard to answer when all you have is a paragraph. But it would really help me out if you could point out a couple things which help best friends distinguish if their friend likes them more than friends.
I have tried to read majority of this thread/Hub but its so much and couldn't find any i could relate to fully.
Looking forward for your pointers
Thanks,
pete
Thank you for the kind words and your wisdom! I agree with all your comments.
I would like to add to my previous comment.
Do you have any tips or suggestions for me, on how to figure out if my best friend would be interested in me or signs I could look for?. I have thought long and hard about what I would say to her. I would tell her exactly how I feel from the heart. Only problem I have is I really don't know if she feels the same way about me. I'm not scared of rejection cause it wouldn't change my state at the moment. If you could help me out with your own past experiences. To try and help me figure out if she likes me more than friends. I don't wanna just tell her I do and for her to feel awkward and for us to lose our friendship!
Thanks
Pete
I hate bragging about myself but I am the least selfish person who would proberbly ever meet, that would do anything for my friends. So with all this said, am I wrong type? Should I be more selfish? The only one that knows I like her other than me is her 13 year old sister, who loves to brag about it. Plus I have mentioned to her years ago that I had a crush on her back in college!
Its the same old story as good guys always finish last! I have had 2 relationships in the past, the longest being 4 months long and both being unkind experiences. I have learnt alot from watching and listening from other relationships around me, giving good advice to other friends but never have the chance to use and learn from my own. I'm beggining to believe that love is no friend of mine but at the back of my head beliving that all the waiting in my life, this could be the one I have been waiting for.
Charlie
I have been friends with my friend Elli for 9 years now and in need of some advice. I met Elli when I was in college and she was flirting with someone else really badly and from that moment I felt the butterfly feelings, that everything for a split second stood still. I took the guts to say hello and made myself look like a rite tit but luckily enough she would past saying hello and having brief conversations with me. She saved my life when I was at my lowest point, giving me the biggest hug when I needed it badly. She moved away after 2 months of knowing each other, moving from place to place but we would always keep in touch by texts or MSN.
9 years later and I was seeing my ex at time who had the knack of making me feel crap about myself. After spending a horrible evening and even worse morning with the ex I got a text message from Elli to say that she would be attending a graduate scheme event and if I fancyed going, so I took the opportunity and thought lives to short. We caught up after not seeing each other for 9 years and those old teenage feeling crept back again. We spent the whole day at the event, which if I had to go by myself I would probably hang myself! Lol. We went for drinks afterwards, catching up with the good and the bad in our lives. After separating our own ways I sent a text to say I had a lovely time and she did the same back.
Weird thing following after the whole contacting each other scernario, she had the knack to text me when I was always at my lowest point with my ex and without fail always cheered me up. I wanted to get away from everything and went to visit her in her hometown and stay with her and her mother. I got on with the mum like a house on fire and spent a fantastic weekend with the both of them. This was followed by meeting her other half of the family, sisters, father, and the fathers wife who I had dinner with. All of this was followed by her staying at my house and meeting my mother and auntie, now I don't know if this is all coincidence that we are meeting each others family and friends that we have never met before all of a sudden.
With all of this happening I am so happy that we have caught up and become really good friends again but part of me is biting my lip but wishing the words will come out and everything will be rosey! I'm also buying her gifts for Christmas, Valentines Day, and recentily her Birthday, buying her a pandora bracelet! I am very affectionate and a very caring person, I am also a giving person without the motive of getting anything back. All I want from all of this is to see her happy with whom ever that may be, even if it means me being miserable for the rest of my life.
But what do I do to avoid the unhappiness without backing off and ruining the good friendship? And I apoligise if this is to long and my grammer may be a bit poor.
Charlie
I'm 25 years of age and I have been in love with my best friend for 10 years. when I first met her I was really shy, was way more focused on sports..anyways, she knew I liked her more than friends without me letting her know, cause she had told her friends then. I have always been there for her. Even when she was with other guys. I always made time for her even if I was at the time in a relationship.
However, recently we have got a lot closer. In the last few years we have really come together as friends. We understand each other on many different levels. If its food/going out/sports/music..etc . She tells me about all her relationships or if shes ever seeing someone. We tend to hang hours upon hours doing nothing! we go out to party and drink and go to the movies alone.
She has mentioned a few times that we should get married if we don't meet anyone else. Recently she broke up with her mate(4 months ago) and so did I. I'm not really sure if she has the same feelings for me as I do for her. But lately she has been touching me more, calls me at times she wouldn't before. She tends to like guys that chase her and who show her a lot of attention. Me on the other hand will not give love away if I'm not getting love back in return. Despite many relationships, I have never directed the three words 'I love you' towards any girl in 25 years. And my best friend is aware that I haven't!
I would really appreciate it if you could take sometime to help me on how to go about this scenario. Do I tell her I love her??
Thanks,
Pete
Many thanks for your advice, It good to get advice like this, I can see how delicate a situation it is, I will proceed with care, But i dont want to push this friend away. i suppose you can a admire someone from a distance, if there is no response. I will let you know of any developments,
blessings EartheAngel
i have a friend / work colleage. who i have known for a few years and i have now developed fellings for her but not like 2 virginettes running through a field,more of a soul deep loving feeling. i want to tell her but i may loose a good friend. what can i do?
To the first question, I don't know. The topic has come up quite a lot, but always in a seemingly jokingly way. We went to prom together, she flirts with me, she says she wants to marry me... but I can't tell if its all just a joke to her or not, because her personality is very affectionate and touchy...
She knows about me. I didn't tell her in the best (most confident) of ways, so I don't know if she takes me seriously, but the idea is definitely there. She's completely fine with it too. However she did say "No worries, I figure that If you were interested in me, you would have made a pass at me already" after I told her.
Your comment about my hopes and dreams does have me thinking. I love her, no question about that. I just don't really understand how. She lives far away, and whenever we get back together its like we were never apart. The time I spend with her makes up some of the happiest moments in my life. Though if I imagine romance with her I feel guilty, like I'm violating some best-friends code or something, but at the same time I love the idea.
I guess the only way to find out is to wait and see what happens. I don't want to wait too long though... I feel as though if I wait too long, I'll explode one day and make a total fool out of myself haha. Should I just make a move or tell her how confused I am? If she's really my best friend, she won't care, right?
I need some help. I'm in love with my best friend. We've been inseparable since we met back in the 5th grade. She is the most beautiful person I know and I always tell her I think so. She is my soul mate and regardless of context, we will grow old together. However theres a catch that makes this much more difficult: we are both female. I don't know what to do. I have always known that I liked women, but it didn't dawn on me until 2 years ago that the perfect one was right in front of me. She admitted that she might be interested in women, but I don't know. Should I tell her how I feel? If somehow (although highly unlikely) it makes her hate me and want to end the friendship, I would die. I simply can't live without her. I don't know what to do and it is tearing me up inside. Every time I look at her I think of how happy she would be if she would be mine. I'm sorry if this is long winded and dramatic. I just needed a place to gush and a sympathetic ear.
Recently I have received some interesting information.
After I told my friend how I feel about her and she dodged the emotions like a pro football player, everything was going as usual. Then she starts smiling at me a little bit more and she keeps finding excuses to call me or to meet up with me.
This of course confused me because it seemed like she was interested in me after all. I have been a good boy though and kept within the friendship boundaries. Then she hits me with the bomb.
She said that she does have very strong romantic feelings for me and that she was so shocked to find that I felt the same way about her. She went on to say that it doesn't matter though because, as she is friends with my ex-girlfriend, there is no hope of us ever being in a romantic relationship. I completely understand her desire to not hurt her friend. I too don't want to hurt my ex. When I heard all of this I was speechless. I was so elated but at the same time I don't know what to do.
Now that I know the desire is mutual I am so much more relaxed. Though maybe it's not right for us to get into a romantic relationship for our friend's sake. Any thoughts on how to handle this?
The one thing that really hurt wasn't that she said no but that her response was that she just want's things to be simple. Since we have been such good friends for so long I had at least hope she would show some sort of respect for my feelings. That she has just pretended like I didn't say anything really tears me up. I would have been much happy had she just said "Rich I just don't share those same feelings and we need to go on being friends." That would have been fine.
Oh well. You win some, you lose some, and then sometimes you get kicked in the ribs after you've lost.
I appreciate your advice in my time of tribulation. I believe that we will go on being great friends and that all will be forgotten with the years.
She was a little cross and just yelled "I told you not to like me!" She said she doesn't want things to be complicated. That she just wants it to be simple. Now she is just pretending like I never said anything at all and carrying on with our friendship the way it was.
I suppose my next move is to just let it go. I can only hope that the knowledge of my feelings my make her contemplate us as more than friends but I fear that bringing it up again might have irreversible consequences.
Any advice?
Thanks
It just dawned on me that I may have omitted some crucial information.
When my friend and I started talking more and spending more time together one of the first things she said was that she wanted a friendship and not a relationship. This bit is where I draw most of my reservations from. She may have changed her mind but I really have no way of knowing without asking her. I suppose that is exactly what you were going to say, "ask her".
Now I'm not so sure this bit of information was important at all. Does this knowledge change anything in your mind?
I've been friends with this girl for about a year and a half. When we met she was in a relationship as well as I but even then I felt something for her. We always confided in each other when there were rough patches in our relationships. Her's ended about eight months ago and mine about three months ago. Now that nobody else is usurping our time we hang out at least four days a week. We always have a good time and it is just so easy for us to talk and have fun.
Even when we both were in relationships I felt something for her. Now that we both have no obligations I find her in my dreams and my thoughts everyday. I could go into a long winded explanation complete with plenty of romantic cliches but I think it best to spare you that.
Anyway, we talk constantly and up until just recently I was pretty sure she had no similar feelings for me. However, yesterday I was reading this page and she came over. I'm not certain but I believe she was on my computer and saw this hub. She didn't say anything but she was acting out of the ordinary. Usually we can always chat but when we were alone there was an awkward silence and she would just look at the floor smiling. Then some of our other friends came over to play cards and I kept catching her looking at me. She never does that (and I would know because I'm usually sneaking my own glances). Then I took her home and the whole way she was just talking to me constantly. I get to drop her off, turn around from the car and she is standing really really close to me. She gives me a huge hug and promises to hang out tomorrow.
I wasn't ready to tell her how I feel yet but since I thought she had seen this hub I later sent her a text asking if she had seen this. She said she had not but was very persistent in wanting to know what I was talking about. I told her I didn't think I should say since she may be upset by it. At this she seemed really angry and we stopped talking.
I'm going to dinner and a movie with her and another friend tonight. I'm not so sure if I should just tell her tonight since I stupidly made a big deal about it yesterday. Perhaps waiting a week or so would be a better idea. I definitely owe her an apology for my peculiar actions but I don't want to keep bringing this issue up.
Should I tell her now since she may have seen this and just been lying or should I wait it out? I don't think my confession would ruin our friendship but I really do like this girl and I want to make things work out as best I can.
I should also say that your hub is very accurate. Before reaching this point I have consulted a friend and taken a lot of time for introspection. This is definitely the real deal. Thanks so much for being an open ear and a kind word. These sorts of matters are the times when people need those things most.
"Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers." -Tennessee Williams
About 4 months ago I met the new girl at work. And we hit it off really well. We sat in a parking lot until midnight.. Exchanging thoughts... Memories and just learning about each other. I found out she had a boyfriend and I was ok with that. We talked for two months and everyday I spoke to her, she stole my heart that much more. I finally realized I had become her best friend. And she was my best friend. When she broke up with her boyfriend, I was sitting with her at a subway. And a few days later I told her I like her and she told me that she didnt want a boyfriend.
The next day she was in a relationship with another guy. She told me she didn't want to hurt me and that she didnt like me like that.
So I decided I was going to try and stop liking her. I decided that if I met another girl I could stop thinking about her... The next day I tried to talk to her about another person and she told me it made her feel uncomfortable. She tol me she liked me... And it hurt her for me to talk about other girls.
Now she says that she can't date me because she doesn't want to lose me as her best friend but I know that if we dated... I could be her everything. I love this girl... And I don't know what to do..
One of my friends, brayton, and I have been really close for about 9 years now. NOW, I may have a little crush on him. HE KNOWS EVERYTHING about me and a neighbor of mine (who happens to be another friend of mine), tells me she talked to braytons brother and he said brayton said he didn't know.
About us. Now both my friend/neighbor and braytons little brother have a problem with lying sometimes.. so idk to believe them or not. There's so much chemistry between me and brayton and he seems different, more relaxed, around me so idk if they were telling the truth.Please, if you have time, read my hub "*A Note To My Friend Brayton" so u can see how close we r.
Thank you.
To start with I am an introvert, don't take this the wrong way I love who I am and wouldnt have it any other way. Given the choice between partying and reading the choice to me seems obvious.
As with everyone else here my problem lies with the fact that now new feelings have unearthed themselves. She is the most wonderful thing that has ever happens to me and although I find myself unable to sleep I don't regret a single second. I love her so much but when it comes to trying to explain this although she may be as a hoplles romantic as me she is one of the most shy people I know when it cones o the real thing, not that I'm any different.
To be truthful I don't really know what I expect from this apart from being able to get it of my chest. I know her well enough that I feel I could tell her anything, I have confidence that even were our feeling not mutual she would understand, for what I want is not romance for rances sake but more a confession of what lies in my heart.
Make of this what you will and any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciate, but mostly thank you for reading.
I've promised that i'll keep you posted about the events after exams.Well, the fact, we'll start exams soon but i guess right now, i've only been in a dream world just like in the past.
Inasmuch as we could be friends, i don't think she could ever give me the chance.Even if deep within her it feels right, something is surely gonna make her not give me a chance. I may sound a bit pessimistic but i guess somethings just can't be explained, maybe love is not for everyone, or well put i guess i'll do well all by myself, the fact is i guess it's time i stay in a real world and in that real world of mine, i always see myself being by myself enjoying my solitary life,i'm not trying to say though that there is no happiness in togetherness.
It's our recent conservations that has led me to these conclusions. As i've learnt from you, i listen and analyse her responses to every question of mine diligently. Even though some things were obvious long ago, i guess i'm someone who like duelling on positivism, being unduely optimistic and believe that that magic moment would just come and change everything.....
I've been unduely optimistic in all areas of my life, it pays off certain times but when the odds are against it, i guess it's time to bow down.
Honestly i'm let down by myself and by other things but i don't wanna put any blame on anyone even though she makes me feel like she's just been expecting me to her something.
Excuse me,there may seems to be some sort of redundacy in my writing but i just can't help myself because i'm overwhelmed with feelings and sentiments.
Maybe i might be wrong about my judgements since i've not asked her directly, but actions they say speak louder than words, and i guess i'd probably prefer to be wrong about my judgement.
So this is my story...I know very well that my life sucks but maybe i could still make a lot out of it though(here i go again....being optimistic...)
Well, i feel somehow exhausted, i wish i could say more, but all that i can see in myself now is the same old person, who has never tried to venture......and maybe i'm quite proud of it, for now i guess i'll just keep my fingers crossed, and enjoy my solitude life.
Thanks Earth Angel, your comments really inspire me and i would like to know what you think about this situation.
Wishing you a prosperous new year once more!!!( You've made a reference to my english in your last comment, but i have to admit that i'm not a native speaker, but i do hope i'm making some sense though)
Well, honestly she's a woman i could marry, i don't think i just wanna share my immediate desires and feelings for her.
Maybe the situation maybe complex on my part because i've never been in a relationship before( i mean never had a girlfriend, i'm not really too sociable) I know this said might cloud my strong feelings for her and make me seems like just an amateur who thinks his first win will last forever.But i guess i know pretty well i could go a long way with her, not just immediate plans and moreover i've had crushes before so i guess i do already know it's not my naivety in this regards that makes me blinded and infatuated with her. I guess you do get my point.
Right now we're in examination period so i'll not to approach her on the issue as yet so as not to demorailze her because she can be really emotional.But i'll try my possible best to tackle the issue as you've suggested,( i really do like it because i've not thought of it before and morever i always have the fear the way things will turn around once i've confided in her) and i'll keep you equally posted.
Thanks again very much and wishing you all the best in your endeavors.
Well, i'm 20 years old boy, i'll turn 21 pretty soon.I'm a christian and i've met this muslim
girl more than a year now.Actually we 're in the same university and we've been friends
all these while. I've fallen for her quite a long time ago but i been been keeping my feelings
to myself for about a year now. I call her more oftenly, send her messages, give her gifts
and a whole lot of other things.
Well i actually try to see if she's also into me, sometimes she makes me feel like she's really
into me, but girls are really complex, i still can't get the real picture. She confides in me
on almost everything.She tells me about her past relationships and the present.She tells
me secrets about her relationship, recently she told me she doesn't really love the boyfriend
who's also a muslim but only that, she's pretending so that he could not be hurt because
he realy loves her. But currently i don't think things are still going on between them as the
boyfriend has moved to another university and more over she has changed her social network
status of been engaged to an open relationship.
The fact is i feel really bad about myself because i can't help myself but think of her all the time.
Moreover we belong to different races as i'm a black and she's white....well, we've been through
a lot of things but we've never hang out outside school before as her parents wouldn't allow her to.
Right now, we will be specialising in different majors starting from the next semester and
possibly in different cities..I just don't know what to do..i swear i would do everything for
her just to make her happy and i try to do that as a friend..Should i tell her how i feel and
how do i tell her..? Also, i'm a foreign student and obliged to leave after my studies.I really
want to let her know how i feel...i guess she flirts with me more times, she likes being close
to me, she tells the friends how nice looking and nice person i am but i'm afraid to tell her
my feelings even though i sometimes sense that she's aware..Please help me out. How do i
make her get into my life.. What what do you think i should do, either forgetting about her
altogether..please i need your opinion..even though my ideas are not present in a good manner
i do hope you have a gist of what i meant because there are a lot of things on my mind and i don't
know how to exactly present the situation so that you could give me your opinion...So please,
i'm really desperate...Thanks in advance.
I remember a HUGE argument I had with a teacher I had a few years ago. She told me that young love didn't exist, and I just laughed at her. I like the way you understand the pureness of young love. The pink glass is often true, but not here, I actually tried not liking her, but it was impossible. Everything about her is flawless.
Thanks for everything Earth Angel. I wish everything you do goes well :)
Greetings from Central America :)
If everybody was like you, our world would be completely different, in a good way.
You've helped many undisclosed lovers, please help me! I would be forever grateful :)
My best friend is basically the person that has been helping me the past two years.
I have liked her since middle school, odd enough she is the only thing I remember about those years. I have grown, I started dating a rather conflicting girl that ended up hurting me a lot. She was the cushion for my fall, she let me tell her everything, although we were not that great of friends back then. Turns out, she is the greatest girl in the world, she is everything, and not loving her would be ridiculous. The problem is, I think she only sees me as a friend. She is always on the watch for cool guys, although she never flirts, and she sticks by me whenever we have time. Physically-wise, we have been very odd, I rarely even kiss her cheek to say hi to her, let alone hug her. This is my problem. I used to be a person that would only care about making out at a party and getting drunk. She has changed me, she is basically the only reason I want to finish school. I really don't think she likes me, but this is turning me mad. It's so odd. I don't know how to tell her I love her. Life has showed me that physical contact, like hugging, is one of the best ways of telling a girl that you want her. I used to be able to do that, but she is special, she has toned me down. We enjoy the same music, love the same things (except some rather known vampire books). We hang out almost every weekend. That said it is safe to say that she doesn't find me bothersome and annoying.
I used to be impulsive, and my feelings relied on that lifestyle, but now, I think of her day and night, dream of her, write about her. Last night I dreamed of her in my arms, which was weird because I have only hugged her twice, the dream was so lucid it baffles me.
So I'm stuck with the her as a friend. Every day, it grows harder to contain myself. I would never do anything to her, but I really think that she would see me as a threat if I told her that I loved her. I have seen some girls take those three words so badly I am scared.
Right now, I just care about her. Plus, I really don't think that she finds me attractive, I'm not that handsome blue-eyed blonde, but I really don't think I'm terribly bad. Do you think that can be changed? I mean, does it matter that much?
She values intelligence, the way someone cares about her, but she also values physical appeal, after all we are both teenagers. Next year, we will graduate, and I don't want to live my life thinking about what might have happened. Once, I told her that I loved her on a jokingly tone, like a friend loves a friend. She laughed and told me that she loved me too. I really don't doubt her, after all, I would trust her with anything.
What should I do?
Thanks so much, really, you are like a heavenly guardian angel for all those troubled souls that have love problems.
Bless you, dasblau.
Sorry for my diction, although I love english, it is not my first language.
Thank you much for your reply.
I could understand your thoughts. Maintaining realtionships in life are many times complex and need to be handled with care.
I take your suggestions and will keep you updated.
Thanks again!
I am really impressed on your way of reply to many problems and am here to get your help for my life.
I am a girl and I have developed a close friendship with a guy for the past 4 years. He is very humorous and easy going but does anything only after deep thinking and analysis. We use to discuss about many things in life and share our sorrows and problems and he appreciates me many times on my thoughts which made me feel him very closer to me.I thought even he was feeling the same.
Once during start of our friendship he mentioned about his ex love (a few years before) and how he regretted of it.But he said he had no love for her anymore and also had no contact until an year before when he happened to meet her again.
The lost friendship bloomed between them after this and they started hanging out together .I missed him more during these days and started calling him manytimes. But whenver i asked about their relationship, he denied saying they are just friends and so I trusted his words. This made me to realise my love and decided to let him know sooner.But recently in one of our conversation he revealed that he tried again to disclose his feelings for her but it seemed to have not worked out and so he backed off.
I then realised that he had been only as a friend to me like many other friends he has. So I have stopped contacting him for a few months and planned to be away to keep him and myself in peace. He too said he wont disturb me until I get back to him.Since then I couldnt stop thinkng of him.
He called me a week earlier to inform on his departure to other country for his career and asked me to be in touch. I really didnt wish to lose him as a friend and also unclear on how to proceed with this relationship wihtout understanding his thoughts. I dont want to try anything based on assumptions and end up in trouble.
Please help with yur suggestions and thoughts.
I completely agree with what your saying. I think because my friend was confused she made me think something was wrong, but what's happening with me and him is just the way things have panned out naturally. My friend is not like me in the way of relationships, she would go out with a number of people casually, but I am the opposite. I would not get into anything unless I really felt for that person. I am truly happy with the way things are going because me and him both feel comfortable.
thank-you so much for replying, I shall keep you updated.:)
xx
Since I told him there was no awkwardness or distance between us, in fact, it was the opposite. Me and him met up every other day, usually going places just us. He's at college now and I can't count how many times he said "i can't describe how much I'll miss you" etc. He makes sure me meet up at weekends when He's home. I've talked to my friend about it and even she's really confused. When i tell her the things he says to me she's incredulous and says that he must like me more than a friend. She says that the things he says to me are basically what her boyfriend says to her. Well. if my friend does, he still hasn't made it clear. I know he hasn't been in a relationship before so I sometimes get the impression that he might like me but is afraid to tell me. Should I ask him about it soon?
thank-you for your time.xo
I've always been really close to her even when she's dated most of my friends. She doesn't know how I feel about yet. But I guess I'm just worried what will happen. I should have more confidence but I don't want to ruin anything.
But I can't really explain how our relationship is via blog post. But we do alot together. We chill and smoke almost everyday(which I hate sometimes because I just get so blazed I can't even speak and just feel awkward) we go to movies and stuff. She brought me to her brothers wedding.
I don't know if I'm just blowing it out of proportion. People always ask me if me and her are dating and I respond no were just good friends. But are we? We've never hooked up. I think I just have memory stuck in my head from 7th when we were sitting at the lunch table and the girls were talking about me and she had said she wasn't attracted to me. Which surprised me because I'm great looking lol jk but I geuss I just took that as she's not attracted to me now so I geuss she never will but that was nearly 10 years ago.
I have very strong feelings for her but don't no how or even if I should tell her.
I'd like to hear what you have for advice
ive been best friends with this girl for four years and i think im in love with her. We hang out almost everyday and help each other out. My problem is that she has a boyfriend thats shes been going out with for 6 months and likes him a lot, but at the same time there might be a small chance she might like me as well, but im not sure.
I was at her house the other day and she randomly asked me if i ever liked her and stupidly i said that i used to but not anymore even though i do. I said this because she has a lot going on in her life now and i dont want to put more stress on her because i care about her. I have also been helping her out in her relationship with her boyfriend because i dont want to see her get hurt but at the same time i want that relationship to be over and i dont know what to do.
I dont know if i should tell her now or not.
please help
I was more then surprised when i came across this page... you have amazing wisdom and after reading pretty much everything you said, you were able to leave me with a lot of thoughts.
Anyways, this is my story --
When I was still in high school I feel in love with my best friend, a guy who completed me in everything. Problem was I was dating his best friend and he was dating a friend of mine. At the time I wasn't able to be honest with myself and admit I had any feelings for him... we both knew something was going on but both tried to ignore it due to the situation plus we were fine with being what we could manage as friends. Time passed and me and his best friend finally ended and he was still with the same girl. I am two years older then him, and being as mature as I could be at that time I knew I was feeling something, what ever that could be, but chose to ignore it and continued being friends because that's what i valued more. Problem was that since he was so young he didn't know how to balance things and it really interfered with our friendship where he didn't even know how to be friends. We were trying to be friends but I needed space because I kept feeling hurt when he couldn't even manage to be friends. I knew I needed space so I enrolled in an after school activity to do something I loved, and soon he enrolled in it because his girlfriend was in it too.. I just couldn't take it... I was so hurt more then I thought I'd ever be and my friends saw it was effecting me and told me basically to ask him "face to face" for space and basically break up with him as a friend because I was hurting myself over it. -- I did it, I told him how I was feeling about it - that i was I needed space, you don't seem able to balance this friendship with you're relationship... and everything.... -- I never told him how I really felt, how the fact is that I was in love with him - because by telling him that there would be too much drama an overload between all our friends and it just couldn't be. Plus - I didn't know how he felt about me. We called it "weirdness" something both of couldn't explain - couldn't stop - but didn't know what it was. See the thing is it was a physical relationship it wasn't based on attraction and why I wanted to be with him...he just really completed me. So when we "broke up" our friendship I was able to move on easily to a point meaning I finally felt like I didn't have all those feelings on me anymore and while I did still feel the same I didn't have to deal with him seeing him everywhere. He moved on to - continued dating the same girl but he didn't fully understand why I did what I did either. We stopped talking, we stopped pretty much everything, I left the whole circle of friends we had together- we both went our seperate ways... We were both really not okay weather or not we admitted it... He quit something he loved so much... he was depressed at times...so my/ his friends told me...things weren't right...Me, I was fine however his face, I missed everything, really just the friendship since we were so close yet I did still love him as more then a friend...
Anyways, about three years have passed and his life is back together as far as I know - we spent three years not taking at all... My life, however, is confused..I've been in a relationship with a guy, who I do love, for two years, but things still ern't feeling 100% right with him, something is still missing. It's like these passed two years have been my confusing years even though I have been happy. He's about to go into college in a different part of the u.s., had (has) a (new) girlfriend who is going to college somewhere different and they don't know exactly what they're going to do (tho they apprently ended it* i'm not sure, I think think they may try to work it out)anyways as you see we are both on completely different parts. I don't know how he's felt over all this time but I know how I felt - I still loved him and still I love him and I think I always will... I miss him...I miss my bestfriend....
Anyways something came up in my life in my family. A family member is having an affair with a married man. This truely upset me because everyone knows he won't leave his wife and she still wants to be with him. She says she loves him and won't leave him. Even when I asked her to she won't. This is the second time the affair has happened...she saw him before I was born and walked away...just like I walked away from my bestfriend... it was the right thing to do...anyways her actions and the fact she's back in this affair really affected me.--- After three years I was able to finally admit to myself that I have always loved my bestfriend. I said it out loud for the first time while fighting with her over her affair... I said it for the first time - and it led me to do something crazy.
He was leaving and even though I am happy and in a relationship I had to confront my ex-bestfriend before he left. I knew if I was able to fully move on that I'd need to see him one more time. I needed to tell him the truth. So I randomly drived to his house to say good bye. I went to him as friend for advice and to tell him the truth. I knew if I called or naything he would ignore me and make sure he would never see me becasue thats hows its been for three years. I finally got the balls to go and see him. I drove to his house yesterday... he was home...He was surprised as ever to see me...we talked about what had gone on the passed years..like always it was easy as ever to talk to him....but when he needed to leave I confronted him and told him the real reason I left him three years ago.. because I was in LOVE with him. I told him I didn't expect him at the time (meaning 3years ago) to recipricate the feelings or act on it then. I didn't expect him to do anything the other day either.. I just needed to tell him. Then he left and I left (we talk a little bit more about it before I left but I think he was as shocked as I was that I actrully said it...and I honestly don't know how he was feeling either..I mean his feelings could have totally passed too or not..I don't know.
We both left...I finally said good bye... yet I don't want it to be good bye...I don't know if I just want my friendship back with him or more... But I feel like I need to tell him that yes I do love him but I want him to have a good time at college .. to find love and to be happy... cuz I just want the best for him...if our paths cross that's great and if anything happens thats great...but yes I am too still in a exculsive committed relationship that I am happy in... I just feel like there are still words left unsaid and I don't know how to tell him them again... Don't know how to ask for a friendship- don't know if he needs time... I just feel so lost...
Me and him had this song "wait for you" by Elliot Yamin (from American IDOL) that even back then seemed like it fit with how we were feeling then and how it seems like it always would be... I just wonder if maybe in the future would we even had a chance at love (if he feels that way) or if I can at least get my friendship back because I believe he is actully mature enough to have a friendship.....
Thanks Earth Angel for listening to me...
Hmmmmmm well firstly, I'm absolutely baffled about (and a little offended) the STD comments?! I should've mentioned that I'm 30 and the friend in question is 33. As much as I hate to go so personal I do have to say that I've never caught a STD and I understand perfectly about the precautions of sleeping with someone. He is definitely not the sort of guy either to be so irresponsible. I have absolutely no desire to just "hop in the sack so quickly" with him - I respect and care greatly about him. Just because you might want to share a bed with that person does not necessarily mean that you want to have sex with them straight away - maybe you just want to hold them and have them hold you back so that the physical side isn't rushed either.
As for the rest then I take on board how intense and scary it would be for him to hear "I love you" from me which is why I said I wouldn't be doing that. All I wanted to do was bring up the idea of us being more than friends and giving a relationship a go.
I came across your article as I have fallen in love with a male friend. I saw all your lovely replies so I wanted to put my situation on here for you.
I started chatting to this guy via an online dating site about 4 months ago. We got on really well and our messages were lengthy and promising. At the same time I was also chatting to another guy and I noticed both did volunteer work for the same charity. Basically I mentioned this to them both and discovered they were best friends! What are the chances?! So I asked them both if it was okay to continue contact and they both said yes.
A couple of weeks go by and I discovered that I was developing feelings for one guy more than the other so I decided to take action and ask the guy I liked out for a drink. He agreed but said we would be best off discussing our unique situation. I agreed and we met up.
This guy said that both him and his friend were to blame for the situation - being such nice guys then they have had a lot of rejection from ladies on the dating site and they both expected me to do the same so that's why they agreed to continued contact. This guy told me that he couldn't consider the possibility of a relationship at that time because of his friendship with this other guy. I told him about how much I liked him and what I would've liked to have happened but that I understood. I was more than disappointed.
He drove me home that evening and he kissed me on the cheek and then I found myself kissing him of the lips - we kinda stayed like that for more than a moment or two which felt wonderful and then we parted ways.
We met up a couple more times and there was one time when we did kiss more intimately than before. He asked if I was okay and we kinda leant against each other which felt really nice.
The week after that he told me he won two tickets to the British Grand Prix (we are both big fans!) and I was so happy for him. Later on that week he blew me away by asking if I wanted to go with him! He wanted to either drive up that day (it's a long journey though!) or travel up some of the way the day before, stay in a hotel overnight and then travel the rest of the way in the morning. I told him that I couldn't afford to do the overnight trip and he said he would think about what he wanted to do and would call me the next day.
He called the next morning and said he wanted to do the overnight plan so I braced myself for a no to me joining him so you can imagine my shock when he offered to pay for the coach travel and the hotel so I could go with him!
We had a wonderful weekend together. We shared a room but had separate beds but we laughed together so much but nothing physical happened. This bugged me so the next morning I asked if it was wrong for me wanting to have kissed him since we met up the day before. Basically he said he was being cautious and wanted to see if something was likely to develop before he went any further. He said he didn't want to lead me down garden paths and I might end up being hurt - he said he's been on ther receiving end of it and it was horrible.
We carried on and had a great time together so my prompting of the relationship subject didn't have a detrimental effect on things which is good.
We text each other all the time and even if I leave him alone then he is always texting me to see how I am. He usually calls quite often and we spend loads of time chatting on the phone which I love.
I am due to see him tomorrow and I just cannot keep my feelings inside any longer. I have fallen in love with him but I don't want to spring that on him just yet but I do want to entertain and bring up the subject of being more that just friends with him. I think we are such a good match for each other and I don't think the other friend is an issue anymore. I want to tell him but I am scared of the potential rejection.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and I'm sorry it's a bit lengthy - this is the short version! Hahaha!
LadyAbbieRose x
Anyway i read with interest about ur opinions, if only i came across this earlier.
To cut a long story short, I confessed to a really close friend who didnt see me that way. Actually her close female friends knew before that and told her about it. She started distancing herself away and i thought by confessing and moving on it will be better. Things turned awkward (though she didnt say it) but we are really distant now, exchanges are usually by SMSes and when we meet up as a group we dont really talk much.
Really lost as to what to do from here, i really identify with what you said about "saying the three words that will change our relationship forever". She was a great friend and we shared a lot of common experiences together. I really hate to see it sink to the bottom like this..
-New Reader
Its been a long time since my last post and well I just discovered where the hub has been going and well all I can say is..it is love all over :)
My special best wishes to Ahhh! Here..she sounds like a sweet heart and I hope she gets what she desires..
Well getting to my situation here..In case you remember me..
Well I have tried enough and well I'm sure about one thing, I can't move on. I can't get over him. I've been trying this for like 6 months now but am failing miserably. The anonymous character is totally off. I'm being just me. And since the past 2-3 days I'm feeling as if we are getting closer.
2 days back it was his birthday. I baked a cake for him. :) and he was like soooooo happy. :)
And well we gave him a surprise too. Whatever it may be he is being really sweet to me. He says it almost 5 times a day that I'm soooooooo nicccccceeeeeee...and that I was the BEST! :P
And yesterday I was sleeping in the class. Not exactly sleeping. Just resting with my eyes closed. When I heard him saying to my friend that I wasn't looking my usual self. I was looking cute.
And on the day of his birthday when we were to return to our homes, he went with his cousin to drop a few of our friends. I went with my dad. Btw he dropped me to where my dad was waiting for me. Well so when he went back to our friends and his cousin after dropping me. His cousin was like constantly asking where I was. He was like you didnt introduce me to her. Generally you always talk about her, what a great friend she is, how close you both are, and now you didn't even make us meet.
Well if its a different scenario here. It is there with the other girl too. He surely likes her. Not like totally serious and completely into her but yes still I'm pretty sure he likes her. They both do spend time.
But well so do the two of us.
Dont know where it is heading. Where I'm heading. But well I guess its ok if i like him or love him. If I do..I do..I'll keep it to myself for now. There is nothing wrong in being in love afterall.
Yes, I know what your saying. I was surprised that he was surprised! I don't know what to do. Some of the things he said sounded like it was out of Pride and Prejudice! like, if there wasn't me then life wouldn't be worth living, but the next thing I know he's telling me that he's not ready to be physically close. I am so confusin because he seemed really happy but reluctant! aaah!!
xxx
I've been best friends with this girl for 7 years and it wasn't until about 2 and a half years ago that I finally told her how I feel. It seemed at times like she felt the same way and at times she didn't. She's told me that I'm the perfect guy for her and that she wants to be with me and she is definitely the girl I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. But recently she has made it clear that nothing is going to happen between us. I'm so torn up and I just don't know what to do. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this since she is the closest person I have. It kills me to think that the one person I want to spend my life with doesn't feel the same way about me. I don't want to lose her as a friend because she has been with me through some of the toughest times of my life that I feel like I wouldn't have gotten through with out her. But it's torturing me every single day knowing that I am not going to be with, but can't get over her because we are so close. Any suggestions on how to handle this situation???
Well I finally told my friend how I felt even though it nearly killed me! I thought I was gonna cry. He was really surprised and didn't quite understand what I meant in the beginning but I got the message through. He took it really well but doesn't want to rush into anything, which is fine with me.Im so glad I got it out. My mind is clear. I feel so much better!
Blessings. to you!!
xxx
I have some sad news.... I went to the beach today with a few of my girlfriends, and this guy ended up showing up unexpectely. Of course, I was reeeeaaaalllly excited. I had decided that I would tell him today how i felt. Anyway, one of my friends, let's say Brooke just to make things easier, was aaalllll over him and flirting like she had never seen a guy before or something. It was nasty. So, of course, he was liking the attention. By the end of the day, they had exchanged numbers. I emailed him and asked him if he really liked Brooke and from what he said, he is totally in love with her.
I guess everything happens for a reason and something good will come out of this even if I can't see it yet. Thanks for listening earth angel.
since my last post I have talked to one of my friends about my feelings and I know now that I should tell him how I feel. I hope I will have the confidence to do it when the time comes! Thank-you for your loving advice!! I would not have had the courage to confide in my friend if you hadn't suggested it.
xxx
since my last post I have talked to one of my friends about my feelings and I know now that I should tell him how I feel. I hope I will have the confidence to do it when the time comes! Thank-you for your loving advice!! I would not have had the courage to confide in my friend if you hadn't suggested it.
xxx
She leaves today at 2pm
It's not love that I wish to get over, Her and I love eachother, we care for each other, we rely on each other, our friendship is filled with compassion and integrity.
It's more like I want to "get over" some of the feeling I have for her, like the romantic/ sexual feelings. It would make it much easier to be just really good friends.
thank you for your thoughtful responses they have helped alot.
siopao
Thank you for responding
I dont think I ever really intended on sharing my feelings with her certainly not while she was in a relationship. I've met her boyfriend, have even hung out with him, he is a good guy and I think he is good for her. I would never do anything to ruin that happiness.
you asked if I was trying to end the friendship so I wouldn't have to deal with her leaving.
The answer is no, I value our friendship too much and I think it would crush her to have to end our friendship.
But there was a time where I thought maybe not seeing her it would be easier to deal with not having her, this was last year. I've grown away from those thoughts and realized that not having anything to do with her would be so much more difficult than to see her and/or talk to her everyday, without being able to share my feelings.
So that being said I will take the time she is away and try to get over it.
siopao
the girl I have very strong feelings for, started off as a coworker, then led into being very close friends. we've both left the restaurant where we worked and we got even closer, and my feelings toward her stronger more intense. It's been almost 3 years since we met, and about a year and a half that Ive realized my feelings. I've wanted to tell her, but I've been afraid of loosing her. But know she will be leaving for about five months to work. I want to tell her before she leaves but she has a boyfriend currently and I'm still very much afraid of loosing her.
help ......she's all I think about
me
One thing that kept coming up as I was asking the questions was "Don't push youself" and :"You are one with him". It was strange because it was like I was writing down what someone was saying to, some things ended in a question. It was a great help. I realise I should talk to a firend about this. When I asked why I was hesitating I got a very strange answer...it's sounds a bit loopy. but this word from word what.it said...
"Don't hesitate, you know why you do this, you are afraid of light, proceed.
You feel the pain of your loved one well up inside and it stops you, conflict from within. Beneath the skin is a beautiful dark flower. Don't be afraid, You are one with him." I was a little shocked when I read this back from what I had written. I don't quite inderstand it but it made me gasp!
xxx
xxx
Me and my friend are of basically the same background and culture, we agree on..well nearly everything! Our famalies are definatley not the issue, I just don't know what "hints" to drop, we know eachtother so well we practically know what the other one's thinking. I just don't know what to do. I get the feeling that he feels the same way but he is really quite shy..like me. We can hardly hold eye contact for more then 2 seconds now because there's so much tension! I want to find the opportunity but it's proving difficult. I respect him so much.
Thank-you for taking time to help me.
xxx
Since my last post I am sure now of my feelings but I don't know how to say to my friend how I feel. Every time I leave after meeting him I feel so stupid and silly that I haven't spoken my mind. Do you have any advice for how I should go about this? I am scared of how he will react.
xxxx
Thank you so much for replying and my condolences for the loss of your kitty and I hope your finger is feeling better.:)
I agree with your advice about moving forward with this, I don't know what's stopping me. I think's it's because I'm shy and just don't know how to put it into words...I know I will have to sometime soon because I can't hide it anymore and I can see it in his face when I'm with him too. I now realise that my friends are suspecting us more and more of being something other than friends. He really is the only person I have ever thought seriously about.
I am a private yet very passionate person who doesn't share their feelings like this so even typing them down has been a big step for me.
I love this page, it is a wonderful help for all people who need it.
Again, thank-you, I have more confidence now in myself.
I hope to hear from you soon:)
xxxx
I have known my best friend for over 13 years, we are nearly the same age-(17/18}. He is the nicest, most caring person I have ever met on this planet and we would tell each other everything. He is different to all the other boys his age. Over the last 2 or 3 years I have grown to like him more than a friend and from last year, we have started going places together like the cinema or walks or I invite him round to my house. We just hang out. He is always complimenting me and giving me encouragment. My friend mentioned that they think we would be a nice couple..the fact is...I had been thinking about it...and nearly couldn't look at her when she mentions this. I seem to have to keep a straight face when anyone mentions his name..as if I might give something away. I think about him all the time and it's driving me insane. I have caught him staring at me and when I make eye contact, he keeps staring...with this wierd look on his face. Sometimes when he's near me I feel a strong urge to grab him and smother him in kisses but I can't bring myself to do it./: We always end up walking close together when we're in a group of friends and he gives me his full attention, often touching my arm or back. I think I might go crazy..I don't know what to do because I'm afraid of ruining an amazing friendship!
HELP!!!
this page is amazing! So many people pouring their hearts out!!
Ok so now its my turn...
I am 21 and i have known my close friend flo since we were born! (old family friends)
when we were young we saw each other all the time, and did things kids do, like holding hands and hugging all the time etc! It was only when hormones startes to kick in that i realised how much i loved being around him. I made the big mistake of telling hime how i felt... Age 13, via txt! It made things very awkward between us as all our family new, and every time we saw each other we were both just embarrassed! So i basically avoided him for nearly a year, only writing the odd letter which never got a response.. Then my birthday came around... 15th, and he gave a a card apologising for everything, and a rose he picked from the garden (all in front of our family... Which made things even harder!) anyway nothing ever happened back then, as we were both awkward teenagers and too embarrassed!
That was 6 years ago, and basically we both got on with our lives... Just remaining friends and seeing each other at family get togethers. But 2 years ago we started meeting up without the family... Going for drinks, or food etc... Always just the 2 of us! It was nice, and brought back all my old feelings, but stronger, more adult versions! We talked about how neither of us had been in a relationship, but always moved quickly away from the subject... As if there was something neither of us wanyed to admit! For me that was the fact that i had never been i a relationship because me feelings for him were always stronger than any1 else... So i never fell for anyone else!
Last summer i was leaving the uk for 6months... To canada. I had a leaving party which he came back from france especially for... Just for the day!
And all my time in canada we spoke via email at least once a week. When i first got there he even asked me if id found my future husband yet!
He sent me homemade chocolates for xmas (he wants to be a chef, so they were amazing!)
and now im back we see each other regularly... Once a week normally! And whenever we say goodbye it always feels like we should do more than just hug... I always want to kiss him (which has never happened!)
my problem is we are both so unpracticed at relationships, that we cant read each other and are tpo scared to act! I want to be honest with him, and just tell him that i thibk we are meant to be together... I believe everything happens for a reason, and the fact that neither of us have found any1 else seems like a clear indication to me! But i am so scared that its just my girly nature reading everything so wrong, and that i would lose his friendship completely if i acted on my feelings!
The trouble is im not sure how much longer i can go without saying anything, my heart beats so fast when im around him, its sometimes hard to think!
You seem like the best person to give me a bit of advice... What would you do in my position?
I hope to hear from you soon... My email is hippyfest@hotmail.com if its easier!
Blessings
Tassia x
Sorry i haven't replied in so long.
I am still facing the same heartache as i was 5 months ago.But whats different about now is that i really feel like i HAVE to tell her instead of want to tell her.I feel that I want her to know because for one,i dont want to keep it bottled up inside for much longer, and two,she isn't an awkward person.For example,one of her ''ex-boyfriends'' still had feelings for her and told her about how he felt.They are still good friends.
I have thought about ways to tell her.I could write a poem,write a song,write a letter and put it in her locker at school,i could tell more people than who already know,like her brother and shell find out eventually.Or the one that im most in favour of is just telling her straight up (the problem is im shy,but ill just have to overcome that)
Let me know what you think.
Thanks a lot.
Brandon
This is a really old page, I know, but I still decided to comment. I am so deeply in love with my best friend. She is perfect. I could list all the things I love about her, but that would take up to much space.
Things would be easier if:
-I did not have a boyfriend
-I was NOT A GIRL AS WELL.
Let me clarify, I am not bisexual/lesbian, and I've never felt this way about someone. I've read articles that say this is normal, and will pass, but this has been going on for twp years. Sometimes she gives me signs that she might like me too, (or am I just imagining it?), and sometimes we're just friends. I'm stuck, I don't know if I should tell her, and risk everything, or not tell her and suffer.
I can't sleep any more, and I can't really be happy when I'm not with her.
Please help me?
-Kinsey
P.S. Your article was very well-written!
I don't usually read these kind of articles but of course we change just as our feelings change, I've read a lot of them but I think that every situation can't be completely same as the next one so this is very great from you to answer each individual!
Never actually knew the difference between being in love and loving someone but I guess that is actually what's been going on with my feelings towards my best friend.
I'm not going crazy or anything (although this post might actually be the birth of my craziness) but my biggest wish is that our friendship grows into something more.
We have been good friends(and now best friends) for almost a year.We talk every day(usually she starts the conversation and it goes on and on)
Although I am afraid that she doesn't have the same feelings for me(ah yes, that's life^^) because if I thought she had then I wouldn't be sitting here writing this in middle of night, but I guess that instead of that I would be fighting my thoughts in bed so I decided to fight them over here.She doesn't have a boyfriend, and I know we wouldn't be this close if she did have one...but she still has some feelings left for someone she broke up with about a year ago.I'm not sure if she could ever see me as her boyfriend...she really did tell me that her girlfriends told her we would make a good couple and she told them that we will be when we fall in love: of course she didn't fall in love yet.
Now I'm in a dilemma... Should I tell her that I love her?
Should I tell her that I might want something more and take a risk?We are very close and I'm sure we would make a good couple...but I'm not sure if I should wait for her or ask her to give me a chance...isn't it selfish from me to go telling her I love her and asking for something I know she actually doesn't have feelings for?
She did tell me that she wants a boyfriend...
And yes you probably will say that I should go for it but I'm just so afraid to lose her as my friend,
and even if I get the chance, what if it doesn't really work and I destroy our friendship?
I could hardly imagine my day without her,
and worst thing is I might hurt her very much because she probably feels the same...
I'm such a melodramatic fool
I guess..to all of ur questions he would actually offer me comfort at those times and act supportive too...I dont know even before..when we talked it was at times just for fun too..just because we felt like talking to each other..also, we both actually quite enjoyed each others company..
Ok so you know since he's been all weird and engrossed up with the new girl..I'm sry but I used the anonymous id yet again..and told him he had changed..since then he is actually back to normal..He spends time with the girl as well as with us..actually he is confused yet again..This girl is actually not apt for him..As I said she is a dumb doll..She is just passing her time or whatever!
She keeps him on the phone for all day long and even if he sates he needs to leave so that he can study..she'll emotionally blackmail him and make him continue to talk..
After coming back to his normal behaviour, he shared this with me..
Our other best friend actually told him on the face that she didnt deserve him..And he said yes he knows she is weird..but still has no clue why he likes her..And everyday he decides he'll end things with her..but thinking that his breaking up would hurt her, he doesnt do it!
Its not that he doesnt like her..but its that she doesnt understand him!
I'm sorry to say but now I actually cant get over him..His sensivity is stealing me yet again!
I dont know what I'm supposed to do! Mr. Wonderful keeps on stealing my heart away! I'm now tired of fighting with my emotions!!!!!!!!
I think I'll end the lies and tell him I'm the one sending him those anonymous mails..I'm thinking first I'll take the consent of the other best friend I talked about above..
I'll first ask him whether I should tell him(since the guy I like has already told him)..whether he'd take the shock well or not..
And then confess it! The things are eating me up now! I just just just can't take it anymore! I cant pretend anymore!
Please help!!!!!!!!!!!! Please reply!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks again for your guidance and support!
My advice is pretty straight forward. Next time she says that she is in love with you, say it back to her and say that you're not kidding. That you are actually in love with her. Tell her how you feel. If she doesnt reciprocat your feelings would you be ok just being friends? If so tell her. "I dont want this to ruin our friendship if you dont feel the same way. I still want to be friends even if you dont feel that way towards me. I just had to tell you how i feel and be honest with you. Because if there is anyone i know can be honest with it is you" something like that. You dont want to live with this on your back for too long. It will wear you down. You dont want to live the rest of your life thinking "what if" If there is the slightest chance that she may feel the same way, I say tell her. I could use a little advice as well. My post above.
I have been in love with one of my closest friends for the past 6 months or so. I have know her for a little over a year. We work together and I am closer to this girl that I've known for a year than some friends that I've had since child hood. We tell eachother everything that is going on in our lives. The problem is that I am not only in love with her, but she is engaged. She has been since I've known her and the wedding is set for May 2011.
We have told each other that we love eachother but this was purely as friends (or so i believe). I am not sure whether i should tell her how i feel or not. Sometimes i feel like she may feel the same way. I honestly think she is in love with her fiancee but also has feelings for me.
A couple of months ago, she had an operation and that really brought us together. I talked to her everyday and would visit her and watch movies. She would always text me jsut to ask what i was doing and to tell me that she missed me. For the next couple of weeks after her recovery, we were definitely closer than before. We would text eachother all day and into the night. Then, once finals were over, we're both in college, she didnt want to seem to talk to me at all. I think she texted me twice in a 2-3 week span. I was always the one texting her. I asked her if we were ok or if there was something i did. She said no we were fine. We started talking more within the next couple of days and didnt seem uncomfrotable around eachother as we did during this 2-3 week period.
I believe that she realized that she was developing feelings for me and wanted to distance herself from me.
Now we are fine again. I talk to her in some way almost everyday.
Do you think she could have feelings for me? Should I tell her how I feel?
Awaiting your reply..
Sia
I'm a 15 year old male sophmore in high school who is absolutely in love with his best friend. I'm bisexual but only a couple of friends know and they don't mind and it makes me feel great. I tried telling my best friend about me but I ended up telling him I was going through a phase and I totally chickened out...he told me he didn't mind but he didn't feel the same way I do. To be honest, I think he's either gay or bi because he's very effeminate and plays around with me and other guys that makes people question him too. I find him the cutest thing to walk this planet and I'd love to tell him that I am completely and devotedly in love with him but I wouldn't like it If he freaked out and got uncomfortable with me. The reason why I think he's lying about his sexuality is because I know he doesn't like admitting things and he is too closed minded to even come out to himself. I really need your help because I really care for him and I know he cares for me too and we can have a very succesful relationship! What should I do? Please help
Thanks for your guidance..
After the last time we talked..I did something, I shared this whole thing with my best friends(these one girls and not the guy I have been talking about) also..
Sharing surely helps!!!
And yes it seems I'm over him now..
He and that 'picture perfect' girl are together now... and its cool...I think I've buried the romance angle somewhere far!
But with him developing this new relationship, our friendship has turned distant..now this is really disturbing!
The way we were earlier we are not now..
I mean we talk only in class...its been ages since he called!
I don't know its sort of irritating!
I didn't attend classes for like a week..all friends were calling and asking whats wrong and stuff..but he didn't even send a sms!
I don't know whats got 2 him!
He won't share anything with me..but earlier atleast in 2 days we would have one like 1/2 hr or 1 hr conversation..and I don't know why but I have always loved it!
But now I don't know when I think of those times, I feel irritated!
I mean once we didn't talk for like 4 days..we were having holidays..and he sent an sms.."its so rude! If you don't call your friend, they don't even feel like talking 2 you!"
Ha!
And then once when I was absent for a day he called as soon as he reached home saying "Can I know why someone was sitting at home today, away from her friends?"
I mean where IS that friend of mine??
I'm missing him so badly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I stumbled across your pages during a search to understand if my feelings are real or if I have made myself feel the way that I do.
I am currently in emotional turmoil due to the feelings that I have developed for my college friend. He was the first person I really connected with at my university. We have known each other for two years now and are relationship has experienced some rocky turbulence.
When I first met him, I only viewed him as a friend. As a matter of fact, I thought it was he who liked me. It wasn’t until the summer after our first semester of knowing each other that I felt that I had feelings for him more than a friend. We started to hang out more and we spoke on the phone day in and day out. I was not sure if I had feelings for him so I decided to let it all play out.
After much deliberation, I told him how I felt for him. I let him know that I had feelings for him more than just friendship. He told me that this was hard for him and it was new as he has never had to deal with an issue like this before. He asked me what I wanted and I told him that I just wanted him to know how I felt. I told him this on the way the airport for Christmas break. Over the break, we only spoke once, but after I returned the relationship was very awkward.
Our relationship has never really been the same since but it’s been exactly one year since I told him. I have made some mistakes in this relationship as I feel I am still learning to navigate through life and relationships. I tried to cut him off because I could not handle the strong feelings that I had for him, however he became angry with me and hurt do to the fact.
We are still friends but it goes through extreme bouts of closeness then distance I think about him constantly and am not sure if I ever made the right decision in telling him that I had feelings. Also I don’t know if our age difference plays a huge factor as he is 4 years younger than I. He was 18 when I met him.
At this point, I don’t know what to do. I am trying to let go because I do not want to force my own wants and desires into the relationship. But I think he is being unfair and childish by the fact that when I try to pull away he gets hurt and upset. He is scared of being hurt and has a hard time letting people in. There are many elements to the relationship that I can’t adequately put down on paper but maybe you can shed some insight and maybe just some sound wisdom. Thanks for your input.
Ok I'm a little scared of what I have to say. So I'm in love with my best friend. There are A few itty bitty problems though. 1) he lives on the other side of the country. Literally. There's a 3 hour time difference. We've never met, but we've been talking for about 5 years. 2) I don't know how he feels. Sometimes I feel like he might love me, and sometimes I feel like he doesn't. Ok maybe him living so far is a BIG problem. I guess there's really no way to know if it would work unless we spent sometime together face to face. That can't happen for at least another 6 months. But it hurts to know that I love him and not know his side. I want to tell him, but I'm VERY scared. A few years ago I told him I like him. He never said he didn't like me like that, but he didn't say he did either. I was too scared to ask. I Love him so much even through some of his bad habits. My stomach is killing me, the pain of him being so far away is turning physical. I've loved him for a long time, but now that I'm going through a hard time, it's shown me what a great person he is.
I'll try and make this brief but the past few days have been very emotionally difficult on me, I've never experience the "heaviness in the heart" people describe but now I get it entirely.
Basically I've been friends with this girl who had a boyfriend of 2 years, we were just friends until around last christmas when we started talking and hanging out more often. She had been living with her BF but he worked away from the city so she wanted a roommate, and asked me. I agreed, and for the next 5 months we did everything together. This is when I really started to have feelings for her, we got along so good it was unbelievable. I just ignored them however since she had a serious boyfriend, however when I was camping one night I got a call from her drunk and crying saying how she broke up with him etc. I was pretty honoured to have been told this, she only told her one other friend... who is also a good friend of mine.
However for a period of a week she didn't say anything, I don't think she remembers the conversation since she was very drunk at a wedding. Eventually she told me sober, it was funny hearing it twice but I realised (at least I think) that she is a very shy and insecure girl, and when she drinks her barriers fall down and you can get a glimpse of her true feelings, at least I feel when people drink their inhibitions are lowered.
Anyways I had to leave at the end of summer to go to school out of state. I had one last meal at our place and went to leave, I remember she had put on sunglasses so I couldn't see her cry... I stammered something stupid out of my mouth and left, and when I got in my car and started to drive... I started to weep. I hadn't cried since I was a kid and it was quite the experience... anyways we decided I should come back over and stay one more night, which did help. Once I moved we talked on the phone at least 3 times a week, for long periods of time. I tried to distance myself a bit from her because I liked her so much it hurt thinking about her, found another girl and let my thoughts dwell on the new girl. 2 months later I broke up with the girl and came back to visit, and it was very hard to see her. All those old feelings came back and when I left it was the same emotional turmoil.
Fast forward to friday, I had just got back into town for christmas holidays, me and a couple friends went over to her place since we were all going to go out to a party... I hadn't drank in over a month and drank a bottle of wine way too fast, she also I think was nervous and drank way too much. I totally blacked out and I believe she did too, but apparently we ended up hooking up in front of everyone and all of our friends ditched us.
She was laughing and cool with it in the morning, saying "it had to happen eventually" but unless it's all in my head (which it probably is) she seems distant now. Our friendship has definitely changed, and I am so frustrated because I don't remember what was said or what happened.
For the past few days I have been severely depressed, and unsure of what to do. I was planning on leaving this city forever... but if I had the chance to be with her I would come study here. I've pretty much decided based on that fact that I need to confront her before I leave next week and let her know the situation. I am prepared to lose the friendship, all rewards in life carry some risk... to me this would be the ultimate reward.
I'm thinking I am going to run the idea by one of our mutual friends and see if she thinks it is a good idea first, and then form a plan... which is where I need help. Should I take her out for dinner before I leave, under the premise that we should hang out before I'm gone until summer? When do I start saying this stuff... when we are done eating? At the beginning before food? etc...
I need help!
Times have worsened about my confusion but blossomed for my friendship with him...
We are like best friends now...really really close friends...
And he likes this girl, his likes this 'pretty, picture perfect' girl..who probably is a dumb doll...
Like all friends do, all of us(friends) have been helping him out on how to proceed with her...And for the past days I must say he has somewhat succeeded..
But then he'd spend the whole day talking about how he likes her and how he cannot really ignore his studies, and a relationship will ruin his medical entrances and everything!! But then again he'll say he is so in love with her..which is impossible since he hardly knows her but whatever..
We'd all tell him to forget about her..some will encourage..some will say that what will he get from a small affair at school..he'd gain nothing from it...
To be honest in the whole process, I'm the one whose head will be fed on the most...He'll be after me all the time talking about her...Sometimes I can ignore it...But sometimes he gets on my nerves!!!
Sometimes I feel like screaming on his face "I LOVE YOU GOD DAMN IT!!! JUST STOP IT!!" But I so can't..I so can't figure out that even if I tell him I love him , how are we gonna advance..we are already so close emotionally, we are really good friends...How will everything change when I tell him the truth??
I'm loving my life right now..I've found such a good friend in him..and many other common friends too.. I'm really enjoying it..We all are even going for a school trip..I don't wanna ruin things but what to do about this longing of shouting the truth on his face..
Even some time back when we were talking on the phone, he was talking all about her... On one part he is sharing his deepest feelings with me..on the other I'm no where in them!!
Please Reply AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!
P.S ::: I don't think he knows I hold a key to some mystery girl!!!
Anna
I've been in love with my best friend for years now and i feel so strongly about it,but I'm almost positive that she doesn't feel the same way.We're close and I think I'm just scared of what might happen.Lately,more than ever,I've felt like telling her I love her but I haven't done anything.I don't know where to go from here and how i should do it.Please help.I love her.
He has showered me with much affection... and has truly opened up to me in a way (emotionally) that he even admits has never happened to him with any other woman before. He also has taken the time to MAKE gifts for me... which have sentimental value beyond anything he could ever buy.
We have taken the time to talk... about his issues... about where we have come from over the past 11 years... and how we have got to this point. As far as the future looks... and the potential for "the talk" I am sure is in the near future. But for now I am just enjoying his company, his time and of course our friendship at a whole different level.
I do love him... and only time will tell if those sentiments are reciprocal.
I thought I would provide an update since my last entry regarding the admission of love to my best friend... and what has transpired.
Over the course of the past 2 months he and I have been "dating" and see each other once every 2 weeks (as we live almost 400 km apart). It has been easily the most magical and special time of my life.
We have spent many a romantic dinner together, and even spent an entire weekend (just the 2 of us) together to really bond with each other on a romantic level. He made all the plans for a very elegant and romantic getaway... so very special. I am so very lucky to have found a mutual affection with my best friend. What more could a woman want?
On that note, I am off to catch a train... to see him again.
No matter what happens (or doesn't)between us in the future...that the very special bond that we share will remain either as friends or otherwise.
Well we hadn't talked for about 4-5 days..and thus he called just for no reason, no guidance no help...just because he was missing me...definitely he wants me...right?
I was just reading your previous comment again and to be frank...whatever you said about yourself when you were young is exactly what I am now....
Was just wondering...is there anyway to you know get a clue whether he likes me(instead of asking him straightaway) I mean some sort of signs!!!
Cause I'm simply HOPELESS these days...I keep thinking about him hours at a stretch and I guess am neglecting various other aspects of life...nothing else matters to me actually..
I guess sometimes I even get the feeling that I'm simply obsessed and it sort of irritates me...
Thanks again...
Well life shall just progress now.. and I'll let know how events unfold...
Wrote my previous entry in a hurry...need to add some more things...
Caring about him isn't wrong is it? How do I find out whether he cares about me the same way I do for him? I don't even know how to pretend I need his help!!(I know I'm hopeless!)
But in a way, I get the feeling he does care for me... like when he has irritated me to death over something..and I'm just angry or maybe hurt..he'd apologise just in the sweetest way and I have to try so hard to stay mad at him!!
But that apology comes in this sweet way...that I just get to know how much he wants me..only god knows if that is as a friend or something more...
One thing you said I guess I made me think a different dimension...when you say
"It's one thing to "be there" when he calls; but is he there for you in the same way?? "
I guess thats what I need to find out..
Thanks...I guess you are the best guide I've had...
As promised here is my update as per my hub comments Earth Angel.
I had a marvelous weekend with my best friend. One of the most romantic and intimate times I ever spent with a man.
It was indeed a date and his romantic intentions were apparent. After we went out for the afternoon to a sporting event we went back to his home where he cooked me dinner, we reminesced and listened to music. It was a great atmosphere filled with food, wine and laughter. An incredible bonding time.
We were planning to go out after... and it was raining so we decided to hang back before going out. That was when he took my hand and kissed me.
We made love with the rain pouring outside all night. He held my hand the entire time. It was so real and so different than anything we have ever shared. He held me until late morning in his arms. Made me breakfast... and we made love a final time before he departed. But this time...he was emotionally moved.
We have rekindled our once fleeting love.
After we departed last night... he kissed me goodbye... and has already emailed me telling me that "Yes, we will be catching up again very soon!" Plans are in the works for us to spend some time together in about 3 weeks (as we currently live 300 km apart).
He went out of his way to show me how kind, gentle and intimate he could be. I guess some things do change in time...
As promised an update regarding my weekend date with my best friend. He called me this week to confirm our plans for the weekend. He also confirmed with much directness that yes it was a date.
After we spend the day together watching a pro sport event he has asked if i would come back to his house to cook dinner for me. I asked if i could assist - but he said he wants me to relax and be my beautiful self while he cooks for me. He also mentioned several times that I was the one person that knew the "real" him and that he wanted an intimate place for us to talk. He closed our conversation by saying that he was looking forward to our day together.
All good signs I think!
I hope you remember me...
Ok so times seem to be different now... I have stopped having actual conversations with that chat account and now I simply drop by one mail in like 2-3 weeks saying hi and wassup...(I wished him gud luck for exams)...
But you know there is this other thing I wanted to share. We have a mutual friend..who has been his best friend since ages...Only now I'm really gud friends with both of them...So whenever I praise his friend in front of him and tell him how he is not I mean a pure gentleman unlike his friend..You should see how jealous he becomes..and he is so irritated at that moment...Does this mean he likes me?
Also these days our friendship is bonding more than ever...Yesterday he was a bit tensed..and the first thing he did was call me..and he said it made him feel better and that I'm nice and stuff...You know I was just about to tell him I'm the one who had been sending the mails..only I couldn't....
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. Your advice and thoughtfullness is most appreciated.
A few notes of clarification. I do want to add that we have NEVER slept together. Our sexual intimacy lines were never crossed as far as intercourse goes. I was a virgin at the time and he was aware of that. Yes, he was older and also a student at the University albeit one that taught undergrads.
He was very kind to me those many years ago. Taking me out on many dates, reading to me and even bringing me chicken soup when I was sick (that was the moment I fell for him). He is a true gentleman... one of the many few that still believes in chivalry and always was respectfully of my boundaries.
However, I absolutely agree that I make excuses for his behaviour. Things that I pointed out to him most explicitly once he told me he wasn't in a position to feel the same of me as I him. I was heart broken and with all the courage I could muster I told him that and how his actions had affected me even years later. He took it all in and let me vent with much diplomacy and understanding.
As of late he has tried to show me that he is trying to grow-up and change and move past his many issues. Something that I am trying not to overlook and to be wise to so as not to get "thrown under the bus" again. He is trying for me... I know he is. He introduced me to family; he is now attending weddings (something he was scared to do before); he is reading romance books (we have a book club); and has confided in me about his moving. More recently, the postcard was an act of generosity that was very direct to the heart of the matter.
I had the courage to tell him how I felt about him... and he to take in all of the emotion, and drama that I dealt his way as a result. A true friend indeed. At this point, I know that he is working towards a mutual connection with me... and I can only give him the chance that he deserves.
Thank you again Earth Angel. I will keep you posted.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. Your advice and thoughtfullness is most appreciated.
A few notes of clarification. I do want to add that we have NEVER slept together. Our sexual intimacy lines were never crossed as far as intercourse goes. I was a virgin at the time and he was aware of that. Yes, he was older and also a student at the University albeit one that taught undergrads.
He was very kind to me those many years ago. Taking me out on many dates, reading to me and even bringing me chicken soup when I was sick (that was the moment I fell for him). He is a true gentleman... one of the many few that still believes in chivalry and always was respectfully of my boundaries.
However, I absolutely agree that I make excuses for his behaviour. Things that I pointed out to him most explicitly once he told me he wasn't in a position to feel the same of me as I him. I was heart broken and with all the courage I could muster I told him that and how his actions had affected me even years later. He took it all in and let me vent with much diplomacy and understanding.
As of late he has tried to show me that he is trying to grow-up and change and move past his many issues. Something that I am trying not to overlook and to be wise to so as not to get "thrown under the bus" again. He is trying for me... I know he is. He introduced me to family; he is now attending weddings (something he was scared to do before); he is reading romance books (we have a book club); and has confided in me about his moving. More recently, the postcard was an act of generosity that was very direct to the heart of the matter.
I had the courage to tell him how I felt about him... and he to take in all of the emotion, and drama that I dealt his way as a result. A true friend indeed. At this point, I know that he is working towards a mutual connection with me... and I can only give him the chance that he deserves.
Thank you again Earth Angel. I will keep you posted.
My friend and I met 11 years ago while I was a freshman at university and he an associate professor. Despite our age difference we dated and became close friends. However, our friendship came to a close at the school's year-end when he went off to Asia to teach at a University there and to pursue an accomplished professional career thereafter. Most unfortunate for me was how things ended. We spent the night together ... holding each other and it was amazing... he whispered in my ear that he cared about me deeply when I was sleeping... and I fell in love. When he drove me home that morning... I never hear from him again (no goodbye nothing). I was devestated.
We fell out of touch for about 8 years at which point I became married. Truth-be-told I married the next guy that I met after he left for Asia (we met a week later).
About 3 years ago we met up on a social networking site and for years we conversed as friends. Teased, flirted and I really cherished the time we spent getting to know each other again. It was just so great to have that closeness with him again. Even only as a friend. He was there for me as a friend when I needed one during my separation from my husband - something I am so grateful for. About a year ago he visited my city (he lived on the other side of the country) we went out for brunch and he introduced him to his brother. It was a really great time. Just seeing him again, hugging him ... brought all those memories back for me... and I wasn't prepared for it.
It took me about 2 months after seeing him ... but I wrote a letter telling him how I felt, letting him know how he had broken my heart those so many years ago and how he had mattered and always will to me. That I felt more than a platonic level of attachment to him. It took him a few days and he actually responded with much integrity and class to my letter. He has severe intimacy issues ... and commitment issues... so this was something that he took much time and thought into doing. He pointed out that he didn't want to interfere with my life, that he wasn't in a position to reciprocate my sentiments given that I lived on the other side of the country and that he was seeing someone. But he did say that he liked me but circumstances were what they were. Love was a dog from hell indeed.
So for about 6 months I was devestated. I tried to keep things platonic and continue our writing and conversing... but my ego got the better of me and I knew that for the sake of his relationship it was selfish of me to even keep up the charade. For his sake and that of his relationship I ended our friendship. Stating I would always be there but I didn't want to jeopardize his future with another given my disclosure. He never responded.
Flash forward 2 months later... I had a really sad dream about him one night ... devestating actually. It was him sitting in a bar at a table alone and crying. He looked emotionally distraught. So the next day I broke down and emailed him. Just to see that he was alright. He responded my telling me that he and the g/f had broken up... that he was moving close to my city the next month and that this was news that only I and his family knew of. He also said that we should hang out and catch up as soon as he moved. I sent him a congrats gift for his new venture and he was overjoyed!
For the last month or so... we have communicated quite frequently... and now that I am enjoying singlehood there seems so much less pressure on pursuing romance with him. I do still care for him deeply. He knows that and for me that is enough. His happiness has always meant more to me than my own... and if I am not "the one" than I am not.
On his road trip to move close by he sent me a postcard... which was quite symbolic for us because of how he disappeared the last time he left on a journey. It meant so much to me. I know I will keep it always.
As of last week he asked me on a date! He re-arranged his schedule and has officially asked me on a date. I am not sure what we are doing but I was told to clear my entire day to spend with him.
I know I need to make alot of decisions for my future. I do agree with the part it is not easy to go through a divorce especially with a child involved but I want to be happy and I want my son to be happy too. Life is very hard at times and there are alot of unhappy people in the world. I know I am not the only one going through this type of situation.
I would never want to take someone's husband away but I know my friend is miserable in his marriage and I want him to be happy too. I know he has decisions to make too.
I feel that everything that happens in life happens for a reason good or bad. My friend is in my life for a reason.
I always thought marriage was easy like a fairytale. I have found out in the past 13 years that marriage is alot of work and alot of times it is totally one sided and that is sad. I wish I could say the past 13 years have been good but they have not been great or easy at all for me.
With my friend I feel the exact same everytime I see him. I feel happy and in love with him and the feelings never go away they only seem to get stronger because we have so much fun together and so much in common. I have tried to stop loving him but I can't do it. He is an amazing person and I am so lucky to have him in my life for whatever reason. He has only brought me happiness since I have known him.
I have seen my friends go through divorces and marry a great person the 2nd time around. I do think it is possible to find your soul mate after you have been married. I don't understand why that happens to people but I do think some people rush into marriage, kids and don't really get to know each other well enough and that is why the divorce rate is so high.
My husband and I hardly dated. He was in the military when I met him and we did not get to date much because he was in England and I was in the states. So we got engaged within 6 months. One month of dating and five months of talking on the phone, emailing and writing letters. When he came back from England we were engaged and married within 7 months. So sometimes rushing into a marriage can be a bad thing.
That is why I have mixed feelings on your advice. I do agree that people should stay in a marriage but only if it is a good healthy marriage. So many marriages are not good and healthy. Marriage is alot of work and if both are not working on it you both end up growing apart. I can honestly say I have worked on my marriage in the past years and that my husband has done nothing to make it good or better. He just does not seem to care.
I got the nerve up to text him that I care about him and have feelings for him and since then we have only said hi two different times at work and have not had a conversation in almost two weeks. He looks happy to see me but scare and nervous. I don't know what to think. I was hoping he would respond someway by now. Can you please give me some advice. I know he that he loves me but why can't he say it?
Well, the dinner was good last night, i can tell you that :)
The first moment we got to her house (a friend of mine and me) and she opened the door was a bit awkward, she was not paying all the attention i said hello etc, but hey i knew it would be awkward ;) But soon after that, walking to the place we would eat, we got in a normal conversation like we always used to do: how her day was, what i've been doing etc. It felt good since i could feel she was , well almost, acting normaly around me. (she was walking closely beside me so that was a good thing, i guess)
The Dinner itself was also good, her boyfriend was also there, but i couldn't mind. I talked with her some more, and she even could laugh about the silly jokes i use to make when im with friends. She loves them, but others don't always get them... :) i like to do impersonations and she always 'dies' of laughing, and so she did now. I realy was happy that i could make her laugh, a thing last week wouldn't been possible.
It realy felt like nothing happened the last week. We could look eachother in the eyes again, not for long but still, looking at eachother straight in the eyes when not conversing, is good thing i would say? She could smile again at me.. I'm happy when can try to make this work again.
Today she'll be getting the flowers i've sent her, the delivery guy will be there at 16:00pm orso (i have a fever and laying currently in my bed..) But bringing her the flowers myself wouldn't be such a good idea afterall ;)
What i need to do now, is give her the space she needs, give her the time she needs.... I don't know for how long, i don't know how she'll react to the flowers, but what i DO know: is that i love her, and i don't want to lose her as a friend....
Blessings,
Daniel
Nothing special going on at the moment, but there's just one thing i don't understand, and that's the fact:
Why is she so terrified about everything i said... I get the idea she's realy having a hard time, while i'm much more clear about what i did and how i want to settle things...
I'll let you definatly know how Wednesday went ;)
Daniel
I certainly ridden the rollercoaster of emotions this week, maybe more than once...
I have to say, it may be something not very nice when you're filled with emotions and riding the rollercoaster, but i can say now, with a cleared mind: these things make you feel sooo much more alive, i know that sounds like a bad movie, but it's true. Feeling things that make you happy or sad, or both at once, realy make you love life more than anything.
I truely have learned alot of all of this.... First of all i realy need to listen better to myself, and not get overwhelmed by emotions and feelings, although sometimes that can be hard. Much more important i care so much more about the people i closely know.... I need to beware of the fact that sometimes it's good to reconsider the things you might wanna say, not because they are stupid or unthoughtfull but more because you may damage more than you know....
Feeling love for the ones you care about, is sometimes more than enough to let them know how you feel: your actions will be lead by the fact that you love them. There is not always the need to tell them that you love them in a dramatic way, it will only make things awkward and more important: there is simply no need for it.....
I give my friend the space she needs to get clear and that she sees that i truly think our friendship is the most important thing. I do hope the flowers will deliver the right message ( i only wrote that i was sorry ... friends forever) since i don't wanna break any more.....
The problem with my mind is that i hang on to things way to much.... I can't let go of things that have happened... That exactly is the same now, but i realy am trying to let it go...
I think my spirit is at this time somewhat tired of my mind and my logic, i can feel them yelling at eachother... But i'm feeling confident that when they settled everything, my friend and i can laugh at the things that happened....
Love is beautifull, anyone questioning that should look at them selfs and ask if they are thinking clearly...
I couldn't be more thankfull to you earth angel for the advice you gave...
Daniel
I did send her some flowers, she should get them somewhere next week.... I think flowers tell more than words sometimes....
I realy admire how you put those deeply touching words in a way all people feel understood and i deeply respect you for helping those lost with their feelings...
I must say, after what happened, i feel great now, but that is because it all came so clear to me what i REALY feel for her.
What happened in the last 48 hours.....
I woke up after that terrible night and i saw her shortly before she went to work. She was soo sad, i couldn't have hated me more at that time... I felt terrible to put her in this position: I realy hated myself at that point, and i still do in somewhat way... I went back to bed to sleep some more but i couldn't: My mind was still full with what happened.
It was terrible weather that morning, so i decided to go out for a walk in the pouring rain. It realy felt good, i walked in my blazer through the rain for about an hour and it came clear to me what i realy feel, what my heart wanted to shout, but wich i told her in a terrible context.
It came clear to me that its not romance i'm looking for, and i went through this a couple of times and i realy made up my mind: What i love about her, why i love her, is that i truely and deeply love our friendship, and there is nothing worth doing to lose that....
I walked back and left her place shortly after that. I sat in the train, listened to some music and again i ran everything through my mind: what i want to give her, what my heart deeply wants is that i want to be there for her, i want to give her that one shoulder when she needs it, listen to her when she wants to be heard, have fun with her when we're both down. I realy want to be there for her, as long as i'm on this green planet. I guess there is my protectiveness again, i realy want her to be safe with me... Be there for her in this world that sometimes is so dark for her....
When i got home i went to bed to sleep for some hours. When i woke up i wanted to call her, but decided that i could better wait with that till today, so i did.
I called her just this afternoon, and well, it was great telling her my true feelings in the way i truly feel them.
I told her that i was stupid and that it was terrible what happened. But most important, telling her my true feelings not with any influence but only my heart there to let me talk. (I'm only ordering tee now in bars..)
She told me that she was mad, terribly angry with me when she was at work, cursing me for what i had done: i couldn't agree with her more, i truly do, she had all the right to do that. But then she told me she was happy that i care about our friendship, and she still wants to be friends. She first asked me if i was only telling these feelings now on the phone to cover the fact that i do want a relationship, but i told her to believe me and that this was realy what was on my mind..
She also told me that this was not the first time something like this happened to her: and she asked if she should act different towards boys and male friends. In my eyes that's redicioulus, since there is no possible way how you should act near friends making them not love you.
Friendship lasts forever in my eyes and i was so happy she told me she wanted to stay friends. She told me to forget about what happened and the same i told her.
At the end she asked me if i wanted to go to a dinner/drink with a group of people this wednesday, wich is ok with me, but she told me to bring a friend with me, to loosen the tension between the two of us: an idea i couldn't agree more with.
After the call i was relieved: i told her what i realy ment, and she did accept it. What i told her that night sounded like i wanted a relationship, a romance wich i definitely don't want. I cherish our friendship, nothing is worth doing to lose that. It will be awkward seeing her these days, but hey, thats normal i would say. She told me that it would be best if i wouldn't sleep over for the next weeks: ofcourse not! i couldn't agree more. Maybe after some months, but not now. I'm happy that she is still willing to stay friends, and i'm gonna work on closing 'the wound' i caused in our friendship. I realy hope it all works out after what happened.
I hate myself for what happened, i get mad at myself when i think about what i've caused, but i'm also sooo happy, that she wants to stay friends. I cried when she told me that...
I guess, it will be somewhat hard for these days to act normal around eachother, but then again: i will work on that to make it work again.... I can only say: love is beautifull, but for me, i told it in the wrong context.. I truly love her deeply, i have feelings for her, but as a friend. That's how i want it to be, and that's what finatly came clear to me.....
What she told her boyfriend, i don't know, i don't have an answer for that. I don't want to know, and maybe she's keeping it quiet for him...
Thank you earth angel, helping me through my thoughts....
Love,
Daniel.
I write not only to say again that i'm very thankfull for your messages, they realy give a good point of view to look from.
It's not only the thanks i want to share, but also the misery i'm currently in. Well it's not that horrible, but still... Something to point out since you gave me good advice.
We went out with some friends last night, and it got quite late and since the beer would flow richly, she (the girl this is all about) wouldn't let me go home, it was 4 in the morning and no sort of public transportation was available.
I hate myself for writing this, but since i was realy adding all the feelings i have for her in my head, and i feel sometimes so miserable that i drink to much. Indeed I was a little wee hazy but i was well aware what i was doing somehow, and realy, you gonna hate me now earth angel, when i was in her room, and i don't know how we ended up talking about it, but i suddenly threw everything out. It was somewhat emotional and awkward, because of all the things i could have said, i didn't want te let THIS out. She told me that she somewhat maybe saw it coming (still don't know what she means, my behavior or the fact that i fell for her).
In the morning she had to go work early, and i apologized for the fact that i've been a terrible friend, putting her in a position where she has no answers for what is 'asked'.
I haven't closed an eye last night, so i went home early to get some sleep, but in the train back it actualy came clear to me, that no matter what, i care so much about our friendship that i'm horrified when i think that we maybe never have the same social interaction together as before all this happened. I know this is awkward for both of us, mostly for her, and i feel so bad, i can't help it but im so scared that i lose her because of this.....
I'm trying to call her and tell her i was a stupid idiot and that cherish our friendship so much.....
Overfilled mind with emotional feelings + beer + more = instant fail at life.....
Thanks for listening Earth Angel...
Thank you for the care and attention you put into your responses. It's much appreciated and gives me lots to ponder.
She is making dinner for me tonight, so we'll see what happens.
Scarab
First of all, thanks for the fast reply. I never heard such insightfull advice in a long time, it makes me realy happy that someone looks to it from a neutral perspective.
I may not have been completely clear about her boyfriend. I do know him, as i have been in the same class in highschool with him for 2 years. I know his personality and it's not all that awful, but he's kinda bold and jealous and somewhat an outsider on social level. That wouldn't matter to me if he was treating her the way he should be, but he isn't.
Maybe she doesn't care anymore how he should be 'cause they are together for 2 years now and she's used to it. This is just what i assume, it's logical, but i can't accept it....
I've tried to think of an answer for the question you had, and i think you completely understand me. I do realy love her, and i do feel something special for her. But i'm also aware, now that you made me see, that it might be protectiveness what's this all about.
How i would feel of her when i would be with someone else i simply can't tell because i have no answer to that, YET. My mind is just to full of her at this point. I try to keep 'low' and not interfere too much with her daily business.
For the question why I needed to fall for her at this time, i now have a solution. I used to see her maybe once or twice a week a year ago, but that changed: i see her far more often now. Maybe now i'm clear of what kinda girl she is, wich wasn't so for me in the first place.
Why i see her more often; she went through a rough time a couple of months ago (personal reasons), and i was (maybe stupid enough) to stand by her and comfort her (she cried in my arms more than once). I could understand why she was so emotional in my presence, since we're good friends, but when i asked if she ever talked about her problems and feelings to her boyfriend, she replyed to me: ow he just doesn't understand these things.
It became clear to me that all i want to do is give her so much more her boyfriend can't give her, because it makes her sad, i can see that in her eyes when she's gazing sadly after she talked about the things her boyfriend can't understand.
The thing is, i realy want her to be happy, and i still feel so much for her...Telling her would be the stupidest thing to do, since i don't want to lose her... Maybe it's just better to wait and see what time brings..
Thank you for the advice ... and the speediness of your reply! Your words were indeed of service to me as I have found in life that we are invariably standing too close to our own lives to get enough perspective on certain issues and having someone neutral give a description “from the balcony”, so to speak, is very useful in seeing some of the things that are just beyond our peripheral vision. My friend and I are usually each other’s sounding boards on these matters so I found myself at a loss when it wasn’t something I could bounce off of her.
You are absolutely correct about the snapshot version of life. I am responding to the pain and conflicted feelings of the immediate now despite knowing that this relationship of hers might not last. My friend’s romance is relatively new, perhaps only a month or so, and she has been fairly quiet about it, telling no one close to her until about a week or two ago. Is she madly in love? Infatuated? Just having some fun? I don’t know. She has said very little, and I’m sure she is being cautious because she’s had a number of bad relationships, but when she said they had started having sex, the green-eyed monster came roaring to the surface so quickly it obliterated everything else in sight until I managed to coax it back into its cave. There is also the possibility that she sensed something in me and for that reason has chosen to keep the news to a minimum so far. She has a psychic antenna the size of a radio tower and even if she didn’t know exactly what she was picking up from me, she may have sensed it was something related to the discussion and has kept things closer to her chest than she might normally. Or then again, the lack of a lot of discussion could be due to the fact that the relationship is still very fresh and I’m seeing and talking to her less because she is spending more time with this other person, as happens with most people when they meet someone new. This is all speculation of course, which means it’s worthless. Only time and communication will answer these questions.
You are also correct that I am completely aware that having an attraction for someone does not necessarily mean that attraction will be returned in kind. For me, our friendship is the most important thing and I know that it is equally important to her. Would I like the romance part included in it? Sure. But I also realize that may not be in the cards for us and if it isn’t than that’s okay too. We will both eventually find the one who is intended for us, if it turns out that it’s not each other. I would not wish to damage our existing relationship simply to add a physical component to it just for the heck of it. In some ways we are already a bit like an old married couple who love each other dearly but have separate bedrooms because they both snore loudly and their respective libidos have burned out with old age. What will be, will be. Time will tell.
So I suppose that leads back to the immediate dilemma of the pain. And the pain is made worse by the fact that I really want to be there for her to share her excitement about being in love (if she is, in fact, in love) because she deserves happiness and love, but as I said in my previous post, at the moment, it is too much for me to handle. And therein lies the rub ...
And yes, in my heart I already know what I have to do. But, as I said, I do appreciate your input. You have a wonderful insight into the nature of relationships and getting another’s point of view can help you see what you’re standing in front of. Thank you for that, and I’ll keep you posted on what develops.
Scarab
Thanks for your guidance. You don't know how great it is to finally share my feelings with Someone. They have crept inside me for so long now.
Hope you'll be there for me always. And yes I guess now I have made one decision attest. No More Anonymous mails!! Really !! He isn't a mind reader. For now I'm gonna cherish my friendship and wait for signs.
Thanks a ton.... Will Keep you updated and will keep asking what to do next in case my luck just starts working out!!!!!!!!! THANKS AGAIN!!!
I just happend to stumble across your topic and discussion not completely random since i'm going through pretty much the same alot of people here gone through: I've fallen in love with my best friend, who's a girl.....
Let me tell you about how this happened, 'cause i never would have thought i would ever fall in love with her of all the people i know by now....
I know her for quite some time now, i guess something like 4 years. First at highschool and still now in college, we doing both the same field of study. I was always the guy who used to fall in love with the girls who were no where close to get in touch with. I dated a few, but i never would get that special feeling what we all are looking for in someone when it comes to love: the feeling that no matter what, you see the other person, you just get lifted and feel incredible strong and indestructable and you can only be happy to be beside them.
Since we're in the same college i often stay at her place, sleep there when there's a party or such or just hang out for fun. And maybe, like 1,5 month ago it struck me. I don't know how it struck, like lightning from the sky at a tree in the open: I couldn't get her out of my mind and truely was feeling more than just friendship for her.
I never thought it could be someone like her, because i find her sometimes kinda strange, but now, it makes me love her soo much more.
This all sounds like a classic case of a hollywood love story, but there's another part i should mention wich makes it all soo much more complicated.
She Has a relationship with a guy i know from Highschool. They are together for about 2 years now. I wouldn't mind at all, since i never could fall in love with her, but maybe, and this is just something that goes trough my mind, i fell in love with her, because her boyfriend is realy a big D#ck (sorry for my language) When she tells me what she does to make him feel happy and like do sweet things, i first was amazed how lovely she can be, but when she now sometimes tells me how lazy and not caring he can be, i just feel it 'burn'.
When i look at her, i see this girl who can give soo much love and warmth, it's just so amazing. And then, when I hear what kinda guy her boyfriend is, I just loose 'it', i go crazy and i just want to tell her what i feel.
I suppressed my feelings for some time now, simply because she means so much to me, i don't want to lose her in any kind of way. But when i stayed at her place a few days ago, i was so eager to let it all out. We we're walking back from a drink at a bar and she was cold so i was holding her close, wich she seemed to like. I realy felt like telling her, but didn't because i am afraid of the consequences.
This whole thing goes through my mind several times, and i realy am lost in what i should do. I tell myself, to wait and see where her relationship ends and that time will tell, but on the other side i just feel so much for her, i just could run to her this minute and hold her and tell her (yes its actualy that bad, since i live like 20 miles away from her, i would simply do anything crazy for her)
So my question is; what would be the best thing to do now?
Im lost with my mind full of love ....
All the love and many thanks to you Earth Angel,
Daniel
Note: it's realy almost impossible to describe what i feel for her, when i see her, when i look at her.... Love truely is something amazing.....
But I'm still in dilemma...
I completely agree when you say "You have the advantage of knowing who you are emailing . . . You have taken that equality away from the person you say you love.. "
But don't you think it would be easier if he just guessed who I was..I mean I gave him plenty of clues..
Where on one hand I know I want to be more than friends with him...on the other hand just that friendship that is at stake makes me think again and again..
I'd like to share one more thing that happened just today.. I was teasing him about a girl he had a crush on ages ago.. and was telling him that he should ask her out...then he was like why would any girl agree to him... And I was giving examples of girls that would do anything to be with him.. But unfortunately we had to leave and for the first time about anything he said that we'll continue this discussion on monday...
I was thinking if I have to tell him I can drop a hint or whatever.. But should I??
please help!!
OK I'm in BIG problem!! I'm 16 and as it comes to be I'm in love with my best friend. Actually I've had a crush on him since almost 2 years now..But we became gr8 friends just recently. I enjoy his company a whole lot..He calls me almost everyday after school to talk about homework or something but we end up talking about such a whole lot of things and I mean i've found this great friend in him.. Ok before this whole friend scene started off, I sent him anonymous emails telling him that someone is in love with him...I told him we knew each other...And I chatted with that id a few times...I gave him some hints too but he hasn't been able to guess its me...
The thing is I really don't know whether to tell him that I am that very same person..But then really I don't wanna lose him as a friend.
Another problem lies in the fact that I belong to an orthodox family and it is pretty much against dating..and also that I am obese and my friend with whom I'm irrevocably in love and I don't make a pair 'good to look at'.
BUT DO ALL THESE THINGS MATTER WHEN I LOVE HIM???
HELP!!! Please suggest what should I do??
I've been in love with my best friend (also female) for many years. And she didn't know about this until recently. We developed a deep friendship and bonds of trust in a very slow and natural way. I, of course, believed the situation impossible and so accepted that we would just be great friends.
I'm not sure what happened in the last year, other than things began slowly to change. I think I sensed more openness and trust. Just in very small ways. Like a casual touch from someone who does not touch others. And I felt my my feelings deepen. In any case, it was still very hard to say anything and even this was a process of months. I gradually disclosed a lot of my personal feelings about relationships and also details about previous relationships, never yet discussed. Basically, I risked everything and trusted that she would not cause me hurt. I needed to be able to speak to her openly of anything. She learned more of me in those two months than in many years. And she also revealed much. And that she had never been so close to anyone before and that was scary.
In any case, we are both very happy together now and this added new dimension to our relationship has been the most wonderful thing to ever happen. To be with your best friend is quite possibly the best and most natural thing in the world. But it was indeed a process and probably will continue to be one for as long has we have one another. But I have no doubt that, in spite of "love at first sight", to truly bond with someone, you need to have a very deep friendship. And these two things are not mutually exclusive.
looking on this webpage ive seen how amazing you are at helpiing various people with different relationship problems and so i hope you could help me.
i am in a bit of a dilemma, i am also like many in love with my best friedns;who is a boy.
we have a awkward past and its a bit of a long story. but ill tell you the basis. well around this time last year i realised i was flaling in love with him but i know i could never tell him so i confided in his friedn to see if he had any inside information. when he went on holiday he was away for around a month and during that time we kept in firm contact on the phone,texts,im and email etc. his firend told me that my best friend couldnt stop thinking about me and loved me like i loved him. so obviously i was overjoyed,but alas when he returned nothing happened he never told me. so i was evidently heartbroken.still to this day we are as close as ever and have even discussed the past goings on. he said not asking me out was the biggest regret of his life, and still i love him more than ever. through everything i have even still advised him when he liked a girl i have stil tried to help even though deep down i am infatuated by him,but its because i just want him to be happy.i would love to have some of your advice
i just feel so stuck and i know if i dont tell him i will live with the regret forever...
thanks christina x
I like a girl who I can't be with.
We were friends for years but after last summer, we became even closer friends. In the fall, she went away, to her family's old country. I thought I wasn't going to hear from her again. I thought she would have gotten an arranged marriage--but she didn't. Actually, when she was gone, she even called a few times. It surprised me. I was happy to hear from her. Months later, she returned home but now I am away doing work, for at least a month more. She came back about a month ago and we can hardly go a day without talking to each other on the phone--for hours on end, most times, either until one of us has to go do something or one of us falls asleep. I feel like we know each other more than we should. We talk about everytyhing, and we used to go everywhere when we were geographically together. We laugh and cry about things in our lives and we really have grown a bond unlike any other.
I hate being away now. I miss her.
I wish I could be with her for life, but I know her family would not accept me. Although we are both of the same indian race and religion, our families are from different countries--and hers especially only keep to themselves. Before last summer, I beat-around-the-bush to get her thoughts on a couple like us being together, and she made it clear it wasn't a good idea--because of how her family would react. Sometimes I think if she were willing to be with me, she would break the chains of her family's tradition and find a way. But she places family values ahead of everything in her life--that is something I admire most about her. And although it works against me, I will never push her to do anything she does not feel comfortable with because I really do want her to be happy in her life--even if it is not with me. I will always be her friend, no matter how much I wish we could be more, because I know this is who I am to her--at least for now.
Life is something else, Ms. Earth Angel; what are your thoughts?
Love, that gorgeous, mysterious woman no one can live with or without. Every attempt made to comprehend and understand it always results in a fishing expedition at the bottomless pit of a very dark labyrinth.
I have a request Earth Angel. Obviously you are an Angel. As such, you live in the Creatress/Creator's inner circle, would you please ask HER/HIM to create the next batch of women/men with instructions, how-to manuals, so we won't have to guess or make up the rules as we go along?
(I forget: man do not ask for direction [GPS], nor do they read intructions, unless, the manuals are, of course, illustrated with some racy pictures.)
I guess we are back to square one.
Very stimulating hub!
Your #1 fan,
http://hubpages.com/hub/HOW-TO-WATCH-FREE-TV-ON-YO
Things not going too great past few days with my problem unfortunately, but its all my own fault for being selfish. Wish I had read your blog before I made my decision, but lifes about learning and I've learned a very important lesson.
No I've not been a Hubber at all. I doubt given the mistakes in my life my advice would be any good to people though..
Take care
Thanks again for your words and I take on board everything you say.
I think what you wrote below is one of the finest definitions of love I've ever read.
"Love is unselfish, kind, compassionate and with the highest regard for the object of our affections all wrapped up in unwavering integrity!! "
Certainly my actions havent done this, but I would still argue and say I am in love, just let my immaturity let me make the wrong decision.
But your words struck a cord, and next time I see the object of my affection I will ask for her forgiveness for my words. Not to say I didnt mean them as I did and still do, just I had no right to say them at all.
You're a wise women Earth Angel, thank you.
I couldn't disagree with any of your thoughts as you and I both know you're right in what you say. But love to me isn't something I seek out ever and has only happened to me on the two occasions I mentioned earlier, and thats despite a number of relationships.
I wish i could act in the way you describe and as much as I take it on board I know I'm too selfish a creature to have thought about what the consequences would be for her with what I said.
I know I was wrong, I know I shouldnt have told her and I know she was never going to feel the same way about me as I do about her.
But I had to know even if the chances of her feeling the same were only 1%.
We're only in this game once, in my opinion, and to live with thinking 'What If?' is something that would make me more miserable in the long term than how I feel now and will undoubtedly feel for quite a while.
You've wisdom beyond your years, but sometimes the best advice can fall on deaf ears, thats often the case with me.
I faced this same scenario where I fell in love with my best friend around 10 years ago, thought about telling her and made the choice to do it. The relationship died then and there and I've always regretted it. I havent seen her for ten years and miss her every day. All down to me, as I couldnt handle her not feeling the same way as me.I was in my 20's then and thought, well I have enough friends. Still miss her greatly.
I'm again in the same situation and have made the same mistake again. I've told a good friend who I adore and am head over heels in love with, of my feelings because it was eating away at me inside. I knew there was no way she felt the same way, for a number of reasons (shes married for one) and I dont know why I did it. Call it being selfish and full of my own self importance I guess. My problem is I believe in love and romance and these are the only 2 times I've ever been in love, despite a number of relationships.
I get the feeling I've lost this special woman and she will never want to be in my life, at least not in the same way, because I've told her how I feel. But in truth if I'm honest I dont know how much longer I could go on seeing her all the time without telling her how I felt.In this situation from a male point of view I think its very difficult to maintain this sort of relationhip and be able to be the person she became friends with. When you're in love with someone the way I am with her, you want to spend every second possible with her and start to resent time you're apart.
From a male point of view a situation like mine it eats away at you and you do things and act in ways that impact on the friendship, without thinking about it. I've been selfish and while I am relieved I've told her, I now expect the consequences to be losing her a a friend.That will kill me emotionally but I guess deep down I knew that when I decided to tell her. It was only going to go one of two ways and in my experience its not the Hollywood happy ending!
Love is the worst and best thing in the world. It's what makes us feel alive even in times like now when I'm going through emotional hell, it's what lifes about, good or bad.
Would I change my decision I've detailed in both cases?
If I'm honest no I wouldn't. It's easy to say I would rather have them as a friend but to be frank when you're so in love with someone so deeply friendship will never be enough, at least for me. I couldnt go on seeing them every day knowing they were never going to be in love with me the way I was with them.
I guess I've made the right choice for me but everyones different and anyone reading has to make their own choice and deal with the consequences. Do whats right for you.
It's taken me 10 years between my times of falling in love, I shut myself off emotionally so as not to feel that hurt again. I hope it's not another 10 until I get the feeling again, but every time takes a long time to get over.
My experiences wont stop me from embracing that wonderful feeling again when it does come though. But I hope the next time it's not unrequited.......
I wrote him a pretty long letter about how I felt for him because I was too shy to tell him face to face and it was pretty much driving me crazy that I wasn't telling him.
He responded back to the letter and told me that he still had feelings for me too, and still cared an awful lot about me. We're still on the 'friends' side of things for now; but that is very subject to change sometime soon :P.
Again, thanks so much. If it weren't for people like you, I don't think some people would have the courage to tell people how they feel without a little push and some encouragement =).
I have absoloutely no idea how she feels about me, she liked this other guy quite a bit for a fairly long time and I stupidly went along trying to help her with it because I wanted her to be happy! But now shes admitted that she doesn't like him that way anymore, and that it could never really work. Shes the really shy and timid type and has actually never had a boyfriend before and I know that shes awful at flirting...
Really I just don't know what to do, I was thinking of sending her a "Late Valentines" gift anonymously like flowers. Schools nearly over and theres a high chance we'll be going to different Universitys so should I just go for it at the end of school? I'd probably be losing her anyway if I didn't.... Can anyone help?
i will see what happens to me. soon. i hope.
now just because a girl rubs elbows with you, doesnt necessarily mean that she is romantically interested in you. she may simply be looking for physical comfort, a shoulder to lean on, or cry on... a concrete male figure in her life that she can depend on... the "best friend" - reap the benifits without the responsiblity.
dont look at relationships as a thing that just magically happens. feelings can be changed a manipulated (i know its an ugly word, but its true). if she's calling you everyday and always hanging out together, she is probrably interested. this doesnt mean that she wants to be with you.. girls are always shopping in life. they want what can serve them best. ALWAYS... find out what she likes, and know them well. these cards can be played at anytime and she will feel noticed and appreciated.... but DON'T BE WEAK. let her know you're always there for her, but you're not going to give it all up for her. if she sense she can walk all over you, chances are she will. the quote "good girls like bad boys" is total bs. they just want someone strong and who can take control when the time is right...
just be genuine to her and yourself. good luck and i hope things work out!
but i am falling for my best friend, Beth, but the problem is that when one of my other best friend had a crush on me, this girl promised to never feel that way towards me. but right now, she's calling me just about everyday. first she starts off the conversation by asking me what the homework is and we talk for at least 10-20 minutes a day. then I asked her couple times to hang out, so she and I hung out at Caribou's for like 3 hours and even went to see a movie with just the two of us. she keeps slapping me on the shoulder and in the movie theatre, she kept leaning her arm against mine. and whenever she talked during the movie, she'd lean really close to my ear and whisper.
am i reading the signs totally wrong? or is she into me?
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